can’t smile without you

mood: loved
music: Can’t Smile Without You – Barry Manilow

WHAT A DAY IT HAS BEEN.

actually, it has been a rough week, really. its been hard, obviously because i didn’t get to log in yesterday… my computer broke down earlier today and being the illiterate that i am.. i had no idea what was going on through the whole system, and so i called the help line thingy and they asked me what was wrong… the only thing i was able to tell them was,

“um, my computer won’t start and the blue line under the Microsoft XP thingy just keeps on running.”

i know i sounded like an idiot.

well, idiot as i am, i got to fix my own computer. (yipee!!) which wasnt so bad afterall, the only bad thing about it was all my files were deleted.. and i tried to save it in a cd (1st time i have ever done that) and now that im trying to retrieve it it wouldn’t bloody work!

did i just use the word BLOODY?

bloody hell.

must be the british flu gettin a bite at me.

well anyway, bad news as usual, they have secured and occupied my friendster account. posted really nasty stuff about me using my account. obviously my bewildered friends were left either with hanging jaws or undeniable disbelief on what was written. they either thought that it was true or that must have been one hell of a drug!! haha!!! ran about 8 kilometers rather than shouting at joshua again.. i deleted the two posts but (WHAT AN IDIOT) forgot to change my password. so, OBVIOUSLY, when i left, and i came back to the house, i had more posts.. i think it was 4 of the same message. they were really trying to put up a point here! anyway so thre the second time that it happened i was alone and i didn’t know who to call so guess who i called… TERRY. my gosh i cant believe it.. the ex of my beloved josh.. but really, i don’t think of her as that anymore.. now that i have gotten to know her better, and way better that is, she has become a bosom friend. i actually talk to her more than i talk to my other friends i left back home.. and surprisingly we keep in touch. but now that i think about it, there is no surprise really because she has become dear to my heart as well. Ü

my brother made me a testimonial in friendster.. cant paste it now but maybe tomorrow i will because this computer has a habit of not sending what i sent when i use two windows. but heck.. id try narin..

Ate! My only sister na kahit kailan hindi ko ikanhiya! bakit? kasi she’s the reason why i have grown to be this kind of man. Sha nagturo sa akin ng dos and donts ng life… hehe… she gave me inspirations that life is not what you expect but rather, it is how you make it. She taught me that every step that I do, even the smallest of all, can affect everything that will or may happen to my future! MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL KO YAN! And kung may mang gulo or anything bad at malaman ko kung nasaan ung mga taong iyong, hindi ko papatayin, siguro gulpihin ko lang… kasi masira pa buhay ko pag pinatay ko eh… AT SERYOSO AKO DUN!So everybody out there… pucha! mag-ingat ingat kayo kasi, P*******A! Gagawin ko lang lahat, wag lang masaktan ate ko!!! Hai buhay! She is the type of person na mapagkatiwalaan mo ng mga kalokohan mo at willing siya magbigay ng makakatulong na payo para tulungan ka.:D Mahilig din ciyang akuin ang lahat ng mga responsibilities… kahit sa tipong hindi na niya kaya, pipilitin parin niya… She’s the best friend, teacher, leader, and most of all sister anyone could ever have… Hindi toh bola! I wouldn’t risk my life for her kung di siya ganung kahalaga… well, i haven’t really risked my life for her… pero still, im willing… hehe… Alam ko na kahit madalas kami mag-away dati ng ate ko at magkasugat sugat pa na sobrang dami dahil sa mg kalmot, kagat, sabunot, at suntok sa mga away namin… alam ko na mahal namin ang isa’t isa! At alam ko din na kung may malagay man kahit isa sa amin sa alanganin… dadating kami para sa isa’t isa… No one and i mean no one can break us apart… except sa pera… hehe… mejo me pagkakuripot kami minsan… ehem… minsan lang… Huhu… masakit man sa akin at umalis ang ate ko at di ko man lang siya nakitang umalis, alam ko kaya niya yan… kasi kung pinalaki niya akong malakas at kayang tumayo sa sarili, kaya niya din ito… hai… miss na miss ko na ate ko… at ang hirap din ng buhay pag magkalayo kami… like for example… dati, siya kasama ko pag bumibili ako ng damit for special events… pero ngayon, grad ball ko, wala akong matakbuhan… i had to really on my other close na babaeng friends na tulungan ako… ang problema, iba ang taste nila sa ate ko. Yung style ng ate ko, un ang gusto kong style, eh, di ko magawa… kasi WALA na siya sa PINAS!!! huhu… she’s always been there with me since i was a baby… and sa totoo lang, ang hirap ng pakiramdam knowing na a big part of your life is so far far away from you… ang sakit… nakakaiyak… nakakamiss… Nakakamiss yung lahat ng mga times nang pinagsamahan namin… lahat ng mga TAKAS namin as sibling… :,,,C lahat ng mga times na umiiyak kami tapos hahanapin mo ang yakap niya… yung yakap na mahigpit… yung mararamdaman mo na kahit may mga taong galit sayo… alam mo, may nagmamahal parin sayo… Yung tipong pagniyakap ka, pipikit ka nalang kasi alam mo pwede ka na magpahinga kasi anjan lang siya sa tabi mo at babantayan ka… Ang sarap eh… nakakamis nga lang… SOBRA!:C Alam ko na matagal pa kaming magkakalayo at pinagsisisihan ko ng husto kung bakit wala ako bago siya umalis ng PINAS… yung ganda ng ate ko… wlang sinabi yung itsura niya kung gaano man siya kaganda… SOBRANG wala nang gaganda pa kung ikukumpara mo ito sa ganda niya sa loob… MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL NA MAHAL ko ang ate ko!… Ate, sana… mag-ingat ka jan, lam ko mejo baduy ito… pero at least lahat ng nakatype dito, totoo, at galing sa puso ko… wag ka sanang padadala sa mga kulang sa pansin na tao na naghahanap lang ng gulo para mapansin sila… kaw na mismo nagturo sa akin na wag nang patulan ang mga yan… Mahal kita ate!!!! mmmmmmmmmwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!:)

oooh.. it worked! its really touching what he wrote.. he didnt even tell me that sumone did it again.. but he said that he really loved me and would kick the ass of whoever wrote that through his testimonial. i love him to pieces.. thank god for a brother like him.

terry made a testi as well, didn’t even ask for it but she did… and i really appreciated what she did. so there…

joshua as usual was in his ever so supportive mode. and i love him to pieces because of it..

“what won’t kill us would only make us stronger.”

and i know it will.. he was waiting for me until 3 am kanina there so i waited until it was 3 am here so we could chat before he left.. and out of the blue he was just staring at the screen and told me…

ang ganda mo.

so i was like.. WTF!?! okay lang sha…and before i could even react, he said,

“i love you.”

enough said. for someone who is as crazy in love as i am, that was enough said.

and as for my sucky day, that phrase just cleared them all. Ü

oh… love…

mood: loved
music: oh – dave matthews band

today was actaully a bad day but thanks to my man.. he made everything a-okay.. this song is for you. i love you this simply, but as intense as passionate flower blooming in early spring. strong as steel baby….. strong as steel.

Oh
Dave Matthews Band

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

I hear you still talk to me
As if you’re sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bare
I know despite the years alone
I’ll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it’s all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And it’s cold and darkness falls
It’s as if you’re in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell

The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you are here with me
But you are here with me
Makes it ok

Oh girl you’re singing to me still
I Love You oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

a roller coaster ride that ended up in a tragedy

mood: gloomy
music: Saan na nga ba ang Barkada – Apo Hiking Society

it has been one long roller coaster ride today.

yeap.

its been up and down, up and down until i crashed finally into my newest entry.

hopefully before i go to sleep, i wont be as miserable as i am now.

my day started pretty well, had time to eat and play with my niece, who as each day goes by, triples her energy.

i, on the other hand, can’t catch up.

i think children are human concentrates. so little, yet has so much life in them.

then i got online, i was on the verge of getting my my journal arranged but then papa josh and my brother went online, and so obviously i chatted with them.

WHOOPEEE!!! ÜÜÜ

oh, the usual stuff, miss miss, and howaryous and whatchadoins with all the mushy stuff, funny stuff and hilarious stuff that i was needed to be updated with.

then came the horrors of all horrors.

in the middle of the very nice light conversation that i was having with my brother and my papa j, a persistent little bug kept on pestering me to download this file from the messenger. 1st of all i had no freaking idea who he (according to his user info) was and second, malay ko ba kung virus papadala niya diba? so i kept asking him who the hell he was.and he was just like, download the program and you would know. so i was like, sorry, i dont know you at all. and he called me koleo girl.

so this guy definitely knows about me. well, he knows enough that i use to hang in koleo. so i asked him (friendly pa ha!) who he was and he told me that i was his crush, super tagal na. i became more curious but then i started ignoring him.

as if he wasnt bad enough, (his ym was blacksheep_brat)and he definitely served as an appetizer.. came the main course, and boy did he fill me up.

this guy (ym: ice_joshua) claimed that he was josh.. which was slowly ticking me off because obviously, since i was talking to the real one. at first i didn’t mind him, but then he started saying things to me that ultimately got me from steady to fuming blazing mad in less than a minute. (i just really have to write it down in able for me to simmer down – im still infuriated by this act) in between this i was still chatting with my brother and my man.
here are some of the many things that he said:

ice_joshua (3:44:08 PM):miss ko na pera mo
ice_joshua (3:44:08 PM): miss ko na yung panlilibre mo saken
ice_joshua (3:44:19 PM): yung paggastos mo para sa luho ko

*and so i ask who the hell he was

ice_joshua (3:44:31 PM): joshua crisostomo

*POLITELY i told him that i was talking to the real josh so i POLITELY told him to go away.. but obviously, my eyebrows started to arch.
i tell my man about it.

ice_joshua (3:47:03 PM): niloloko lang kita
ice_joshua (3:47:20 PM): inuuto pala
ice_joshua (3:47:38 PM): di mo ba napapansin? pera lang habol ko sayo
ice_joshua (3:47:45 PM): pati katawan
ice_joshua (3:47:58 PM): katawan lang hindi mukha

*by this time my level of patience was totally drained like a man who just got out of the desert.i told him to if he has nothing better to do,go fuck himself. joshua tells me to ignore him and i close his window. but this ass wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

ice_joshua (3:48:47 PM): fuck me
ice_joshua (3:48:47 PM): sige
ice_joshua (3:48:53 PM): na-fuck naman kita e
ice_joshua (3:51:35 PM): wala akong magawa
ice_joshua (3:51:40 PM): kaya peperahan na lang kita
ice_joshua (3:51:51 PM): uto uto ka naman e
ice_joshua (3:52:18 PM): dyan ka na lang, wag ka na uwi dito basta magpadala ka ng magpadala saken ng pera
ice_joshua (3:53:17 PM): hindi naman kita nami-miss e
ice_joshua (3:53:37 PM): daming babae dito sa gwapo kong to, ikaw nga ang nanligaw saken
ice_joshua (3:55:05 PM): pera mo lang talaga habol ko
ice_joshua (3:55:10 PM): at katawan
ice_joshua (3:55:25 PM): hindi nila alam, puro ka push-up bra

*you know i was just really letting go of these comments. i really was! i just kept on hitting the close buttons and it keeps popping and i close it and it pops again, but when i saw the push-up bra stint, i REALLY had to say something. i told him that obviously, he didn’t know me that well because i never wore push-up bras. so he went back to the old thing.

ice_joshua (3:58:46 PM): miss ko na pera mo
ice_joshua (3:59:00 PM): pero since nagpapadala ka naman ayos lang
ice_joshua (3:59:09 PM): dyan ka na lang, ipon ka, padala ka ng pera

*by this time, i was raging crying my brains out mad. i wasn’t sad at all! i called joshua because i cant get to hit the keys right anymore because i was furious!! i cant even find a word to match what i really felt and began telling him that this man is really going to DIE when i see him.

ice_joshua (4:00:45 PM): uto uto ka talaga
ice_joshua (4:00:54 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang ktia
ice_joshua (4:00:59 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:04 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:15 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:15 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:21 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:21 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita

okay i know i said i would only put on SOME of the things that he told me but my hunger for revenge wasnt able to hold it all back in. this ass even had the balls to tell my brother to tell me to lay off josh. THE NERVE!! really!!! i was screaming so badly on the phone to josh and for the first time he wasnt able to pacify me at all. i was ready to call the airlines and book the earliest flight tomorrow back home, but i felt so helpless and mad and wanting to kill somebody.

this is the first time i have ever gotten this mad. this was my ultimate limit.

i thought that breaking up with josh was my limit, for that was the first time i got mad my whole life. im serious. all my life i try and understand the other side of the coin. we librans are really like that.

but this..

this was too much for me.

i don’t even know how i even feel about it. all i know was for the first time in my life, i was ready to kill. and oh boy if i just really had the power to do so, put it in writing that i would kill this person with my bare hands. joshua was getting really scared. he was really trying to calm me down but i won’t talaga. at all. i kept on shouting nothing on the damn phone and for a brief moment there i felt bad for josh. i mean, come on, he also didn’t know what was happening but i know that he was getting really mad too.

this is another thing why i really love him.

there is always balance in our relationship. someone would always be there to support the other in times of crisis, or grief. there was always a give and take commitment from the both of us.

and funny thing is, i only realized that now as i write here. i always thought that i have given more, that i was the stronger one in this relationship, but this has ultimately proven to me that there is indeed a balance in both of us.

when i thought that this was all over.. my desert came in.

it was from this person who covered “itself” up with the screen name “seductive_kitten_80”.

she was just basically the topping talaga.. honestly i cant even remember what she said.. i think she called me a slut or a bitch or something to that effect but i was busying crying my brains out so i deleted it.

joshua, my dear knight in shining armor was obviously there to pacify me all the way through… slowly but surely i did. he had a way with me that i dont think anybody would ever do.. well, except noel of course, who is my best friend.

would you believe i’m not yet even half way done with my day.

and so with a little bit of cooing and soothing and reassuring words from my partner, i began to feel better na. and just like that in time, a friend from London called me up. Valiente (or Martin, which he told his name was to my cousin) is a good good friend of joshua and is currently staying in South London. we’ll go out daw one day. Thank God that he said that. and so we chatted, the three of us and i was okay again.

Yipee Ü

okay but i have to say that in this new elevation of mood today, the incident latter to this was still in mind. PUNYETA TALAGA SILA. but i didn’t want to ruin na my semi-okay mood so i let it go. for this time only.

so, the day passed, me and joshua exchanged vows of commitment again to each other and i was of course feeling great. Ü

“stronger than steel, baby”, he would always tell me.

i have come to realize that what doesn’t kill us only makes the two of us stronger. this long distance thing is definitely the biggest challenge we have to face yet. of course, as a normal couple we have had our share of ups and down and somehow, we have always managed to pull through.

isn’t it wonderful what this love thing can do to us? :X

so yadayadayada my night went. i even got to chat with pangshk and ikot, two other close friends i have back home.

i had a leetle bump on the way through this path when pangshk asked me about my testi in friendster. it so happened that his girlfriend erased it pala.

i have no idea why she had to do that!

me and pangshk? why, we are strictly platonic!

but i can’t blame her also, people have different levels of jealousy. some people have a higher tolerance than the other.

but still, she really didn’t have to do that.

and it was great talking to pangshk.. it was definitely a great way to brighten up my revolting day.

and here comes the creme de le creme..
the ending finale.. (isn’t that a bit redundant?)
the final reason why i know i would put gloomy on my mood of the day…

i was supposed to make an early journal entry and for the first time go to sleep early. but then i just cant get the earlier earlier instance out of my head and so i decided to text chants about it.

my fault actually; since i was really upset i began ranting about these people who hurt me earlier. i guess i didn’t realize old skeletons in the closet were climbing out.

me and and cookie family goes way back in 1st year college. they were my friends eversince.. but when i came back with josh, things got really different. they obviously hated the guy. they wouldn’t even call him by his first name.on the last month before departing here i had basically no time for them becaue basically, I HAD NO MONEY. i guess its no excuse.. but somewhere down the road we drifted.. me and cookie house.

of them all, im closest to chants. and for some reason, well maybe the primary reason is that im closest to her,i texted her.

i wouldn’t want to go to any more details because it would just make me cry again. bottom line is we didn’t understand each other. they don’t understand why i went back to “that guy” joshua, and i don’t understand why they can’t understand me.

honestly, it wasn’t my intention to argue with her. somewhere in between we struck the nerves of each other and started telling each other “you’s” instead of “i’s”.. and i did say sorry, but i guess words were said and it would never be forgotten.

worse thing is she told kaye that inaaway ko sha..which was what i was definitely trying to avoid.

she said it was useless arguing against me.

maybe i’m useless.

this is crap.

breaking up with a boyfriend isnt as bad as fighting with a friend. its true that you hurt the ones closest to you,and i guess i pretty hurt chantz alot.. by the you’s that i was telling, i was actually referring to the lot.. but it didn’t come out as i wanted it to be. when you break up with a boyfriend, you have your friends to lean on.

but what if you fight with those you lean on?

i don’t necessarily think that its a fight.. but cant take away the probability that this would even cause a greater rift between me and my barkada.

right now, im so torn.

i really am and i don’t know what to do.

i love joshua very much, but i do love my friends too. their opinon are very important to me. and with this, i really don’t know what to do. it makes my missing them even harder.

you know what im really scared of? that when i come back, i have nothing to come back to.. before i left for here.. i really didn’t worry about my friends.. i worried more about josh because of course, temptation is lurking behind the corner, when the cat is away, the dick will play.. and i just thought, that’s how friends go, you pick up from where you ended.. and im pretty confident with my other friends… like sina noel and nina and philip and sina jet and koleo people.

but for cookie.. i really don’t know.. when i was there last january, i was already missing on a lot of things..pano pa now that im so far away?

with joshua its really not a biggie.. he has been here for me for a very long time.. God knows it was rough the first few weeks, but we’re getting the hang of it. communication is only what we need.

so that was my day.. i kinda feel better now.. but still not that good..

i really wish i could sort it out between me and sina chantz…i hate this feeling.

but for now, i have to sleep. ate day off tomorrow so we will defintely have a loooong day.

as if today wasnt.

and like all other roller coasters, this ride has come to an end. i have exited and tomorrow, as usual, i would like to ride again..

hope it wouldn’t be as bumpy as this one.

First Time!!!

Current mood: steady Ü
Current music: knocks me off my feet – donell jones
okay.. its my first time in this thingy so i really dont know what to say.. hehehe weird feeling on typing here.. anyway.. so…
nothing really biggie..had a good day in fairness.. chatted with bim for the first time after a month or so.. saw everyone in the house… HAHA!!!! they really look funny..i guess i really do miss them.. its weird not being able to see my brother.. well for my mom..its a different thing.. she just kept on telling me to get a school here.. blahblahblah… i mean whatever happened to, “anak, miss na kita.. umuwi kana dito…sorry pinapunta pa kita jan.. dapat di na tayo nagkahiwalay…. kamusta na?” but its all SERMON and whatever.diba? who would want that naman.. i know i wouldnt.. i wouldn’t do that at all..i wouldn’t even send my child here if she didn’t want to in the first place. i know we have our disagreements and everything but still.. she doesn’t know how much i do love her.. and sorry that i can never measure up to what she wants me to be.. i said nanga that i would seriously think of getting a school here, and she said take a commerce course. Hello. that’s why we kept on arguing in the first place because she wanted me to take accountancy.. i was thinking of getting a course in media.. which i really want.. i can never have a desk job. i need something with action.. with passion.. with involvement and uncertainties. i need a job that interacts. that’s what i want. i know now that it is what i want, and she doesn’t want that.. kasi daw at least commerce would get me a job kaagad.. but then why get stuck with something i don’t like right? hay..
i have to rant about thisthing lang. sandali lang talaga..I HATE KUYA. i swear. he wants me to go log-off the net because i was here na daw the whole day. SO SUE ME!! comeon.. i don’t have anything better to do here.. i mean i do my job and i pay for my internet and phone line.. then he goes ranting that the electricity is getting high and everything.. well well, if not for this internet i wouldn’t be able to get him all the porn he wants so he can FUCKING jack off. if he wants i’ll even pay half the fucking electricity. i never asked anything from him and honestly, i do work OVERTIME. he doens’t know how to take care of his kid. no wonder my niece loves me more than him. sorry. okay. im okay now.
sooo.. to a lighter side.. i chatted with pabie. i miss him.. hehe.. and as usual, we talked about loooovve and how it works yadayada.. asked me if i was sure if i should be with josh. and the answer to that? OF COURSE! i know that i want this.. and i need this..i can’t bear my heart to be broken again. i guess that is what everybody wishes right? but still, i have to be prepared to go either way. if we end up with each other then GREAT! if not, well, it wouldn’t be the first time that we broke up with each other. song for the day: KNOCKS ME OFF MY FEET “i don’t wanna bore you with it, oh boy i love you i love you i love you…more and more, it makes me weak and knocks me off my feet..” Ü chatted with my baby also a while ago..this internet thingy makes our long distance thing easier to bear – and cheaper too! i cant wait until he graduates.. then no one can stop us now… together, we will rule the world!! WAHAHAHA!!! Ü sorry. got out of hand. didn’t mean that. just a slight burst of energy. Ü
shout outs to suzy, my goood good long time and also international friend…thanks for showing me a new wonderful way to spend my electricity, time, allowance and brain.. for this i will be eternally grateful to you!