the balance of the world

mood: indescribable
music: Loving You – ric segretto

the world is in total chaos.

well not totally, just some of my dearest friends back home are going nuts…. not acting their usual self…

or, in some cases, they may just be acting like themselves for the first time.

chantz sent me a message today.. wala lang, an ordinary out of the blue friendster post.. (oh, obviously we are great friends again! isnt that wonderful! im so paranoid talaga….) so anyway she told me like she missed me heaps and such.. and somedays she was just really sad that she wonders… what could i have said if i was there… so i called her up. simple diba? you miss someone, you call them up. and that is what i exactly did. 😀

i knew she was surprised when i did call her. and im assuming one of the big reasons is that it is really weird that i would call, i dunno not really important obviously im just rattling about. i knew something was wrong.. so i asked her.

the cause of this sudden longing for the normalcy of our friendship (exag.. um, miss niya langnaman ako) was that same issue we had when i was still there. nah, not me and josh, im not that selfish to keep on talking about that topic naman, and anyway, its not a topic we love talking aobut..but we would often talk about her wanting to break up already with calvin, but i just told her, dont play with that idea…its just not right thinking about it like you are thinking, “oh, i forgot to buy eggs today. oops” you know, its like picking the scab in your wound, you know its bad, but you like doing it, and see what will happen, and you do know that whats going to happen is that you are going to get a scar that you would regret for the rest of your lives. and same goes with thinking about those things.. but now shes telling me that, and ive been here for over 2 months now, this is really getting bad. worse is, calvin is not helping at all.. not to mention that there might be a big POSSIBILITY that he slept around, because one of our friends did, and they were good friends,, something to that effect. plus he shouts nadaw at her, and laughs at her.. ignores her.. i mean, that is kinda rude really… especially infront of our overprotective friends! the point is, its quite obvious, and i quote ate cris, that nagsasawa na si calvin kay chants. now this news really unbalanced me. i see myself having this problem, but not them. i dont know why, but thats just the way it is.. just like its weird when you eat mayo and banana together (i do that, but hey, im not normal.) as my favorite word exclaims, “i am SHATTERED”. a part of me wants to tell chants that “its okay…. remember WHITE FLAG…” becuase that is what we do best… hold on till we have nothing left to give, no strength to grasp.. this is me and chants.. once again i have seen our resemblance.. the other side tells me “you don’t deserve that crap! leggo!!!”… but then i would sound exactly like them when they would always tell me that i should let go of josh. in a way i now understand both parties.. but of course, i yield more to the “don’t let go, give it your best, love until it hurts no more” coz thats the kind of person that i am. when she was telling me all the things the other girls were doing to her, it was like hearing myself over the phone talking to shad or to anyone else but them. it really hurts when you are torn between your loved ones. i didn’t want to add more insult to the injury, but i cant help say in my brain, “i told you so, now you know how i feel” but knowing chants, she would have thought of that a long time ago already. ive been in that boat. god knows i still am, so i know how HORRIBLE it feels. it is!! it is really horrible, words just simply stunt the feeling of being torn apart. i always believed that what my friends decide is not up to me already. what they want in their lives is not up to me.. and as vince always told me, “kaibigan ka lang” thats why my friendship with sina noel work.. becuase there is a friendly gap between my choices. there are no hard feeling or feelings at all when we choose something in life.. with cookie on the other hand…. wait, im not saying that my cookie family is wrong.. its just that our lives have entwined so much that most of the time we dont know where the other one starts.. and so instead of balancing the act when one feels stupid.. the others feel stupid for me too.. instead of balancing it.. do you get me? its really hard to explain, its like okay. take for example our case, me and chants.. its not really far from each other so i can put it in the same boat. people dont like our boyfriends for what they are doing to us. us, on the other hand, love our boyfriends till the world ends. and becuase of this, we are called stupid.

wait a minute. is it really stupid? i mean, what me and chants are going through. its unfair that we are called stupid when what we feel is real… and i know chants loves calvin as much as i love josh…so whats so stupid in that? just becuase they are not molded into what society dictates of them and we are basically loved by society makes us stupid?

we may get hurt, and we get hurt a lot already with the big bumps of the relationship.. but as i quote one book i read ( i forgot na e)”its relationships are supposed to be hard.. if it wasnt everyone would be married by now…its hard becuase you have to make it work” something to taht effect. and friends, i believe are supposed to be there to ease the pain and stand by us as long as we want to be stupid, catch us until we finally fall from the dream that we have…

i cannot stress enough on how much i can sympathize with chanchan right now… in fact, if it would be possible, i would gladly take away all the embarassment and pain that she is going through becuase ive been here.. people already know me as the stupid one who keeps on loving josh.. and right now, i really dont give a fucks ass about it anymore… i could be wrong, but i would stand my ground until the day i have to call it over… and just like chants, it would never come from me.

and another thing, she is now in touch with her ex again… hmmmhmmmhmmm. i was there when they broke up.. over the phone that is. after a couple of days naging sila na ni calvin. and now as she tells me, its like breaking up with him all over again.. and i cant blame her for that.. she never really had a mourning period.. although we are both to say that every next relationship we had wasnt on the rebound.

a “hmmm hmmm” about that is that i know also how she feels. well, kinda.. i mean, its like me and pangshk in a way.. i really dont know what went on between me and pangshk.. but i loved it, every single minute of it.. and sometimes when i feel rocky with josh, i think of him.. not that i would ever two time josh.. but as i always say, there are certain things/characteristics in other people that we don’t see (and would like to have) in our boyfriends, but it doenst mean we would run off with the other person behind their backs or even love them less. its just a way of life.. you always want what you dont have. people always think that they are not contented, when in fact, all you ever need in this world is right in front of you. now, it just all depends where you wanna face.. and i choose to face the harder side.

besides, pangshk is taken already…not that im nagsisisi.. im just really glad that hes happy already. i know the extent of his love.Ü i may have not felt it all, but just the small things makes me think and say to myself what a lucky lady jess is. of course, i know im lucky too.

eeekkk.. that paragraph really sounds that im regretting.. and if some close friends of mine ever come to read this, i know they would think that im regretting. but im not. during one of our conversations, i came to myself thinking,”its okay na bob. you are both happy. be happy that you are both loved.” and i was.

its funny that when i saw appy again, i didn’t feel that way.. you know of breaking up all over again thingy… when i saw him it wasjust like, okay… its you… hello. it was really obvious that he was still caught up with me… (its my diary, i have everyright to be makapal) but i ddint feel it.. i felt like i was that fairy in LOTR giving back the ring to Frodo.. parang.. poor child.. and when i saw appy… it wasnt as hard as it was for chants. maybe becuase in my part i mourned a lot na.. or something to that effect.. i dunno… but im happy that anton has matured. (well, whaddayouknow, our exes are both letter a’s!) that he finally, well, always realized that he loved chants.. it was really heart fattening (nakakataba ng puso) when he told chants “not a day goes by without me realizing that i love you so much” and that if they would be back together again, he would wait becuase he wouldnt want to do to calvin what chants did to him. now that is a man. an evil side of me says, “why not anton, go ahead!” hehhe… but that would just be repeating the whole cycle again, and chants would be caught up in this intricate web of rebound that i have been a victim of. this rebounding thing from ex to ex is not a good exercise really.. i mean, i should know, i had ceej.

speaking of which, me and ceej are talking again. how weird noh, through eveything that we did, we still talk. is it out of maturity? i would never really know.. its good that we dont see each other.. and just talk. maybe if i was seeing him, it would be a different story. nah. i love josh.

i missed talking to chants.. thank god for telephones life is definitely easier.. and thank god that the elephant in my back finally went down and slept in its own little corner. i would forever remember those months as the DARK AGES. i mean it was really. okay.. i shall email her later.. or maybe ill just give away this journal, anyway its public naman e. hheee.

dianne and phil are finished. finito. end. tapos. history.

i cannot believe this.

from one great couple to another.

my balance is really shaking now! my pillars of strength and hope that i can overcomethis long distance relationship are going nuts.

dianne, as usual, decided to end it. but this time its for real. and i know its for real because she is dating around….

im scared when josh finally learns about this, i know that he would be SHATTERED.. and without me by his side, who knows what will happen to us? its like phil and di is to jo as calvin and chants is to bob. and both sides now are rocky. daemmmmnn.

its not like we pattern ourselves to them, its just like we feel that if they can do it, we can too.. and now that both parties are rocky at the same time, (what a coinkindink)

well i guess this would really test our faith.

how low can we goooooo…. Ü

hay. today was too intense for me.. with chants and dianne’s news. i cant really blame dianne for breaking up with philip becuase phil is soooo protective… and jealous too.. that diane doesnt grow anymore.. parati silang nagaaway and nagtatalo about the smallest details in life.. and to quote dianne “i cant just see my future with phil anymore.. im dating other people bob, its this serious.”

so its that serious.. what can i do? they are both very dear to me.. all four of them are very dear to me… but im glad that its not me. selfish of me to think about it, but its true. im glad im not in their shoes.. becuase if i am, i would die of a broken heart. especially i have nowhere to cling to here.

becuase of everything that is happening all at the same time, diannes news, chants news, i totally forgot it was my monthsary.i totally forgot about it.. well not really totally.. its just that i lost track of time and thought that it would be on the next day or so.. my dearest love remembered it before me… crazy fool 😀 and he was so proud that he greeted me first.. what a kiddo talaga… but sue me, i love him so. Ü

joshua_tisoy (5:08:38 PM): happy monthsiary
joshua_tisoy (5:08:57 PM): it jst turned 7 here
bobsie_casasola (5:09:12 PM): isnt it 6 today?!
joshua_tisoy (5:09:32 PM): its 1210 now
joshua_tisoy (5:09:44 PM): kanina 6
joshua_tisoy (5:09:51 PM):
bobsie_casasola (5:10:57 PM): oh. okay….
bobsie_casasola (5:11:00 PM): oops
bobsie_casasola (5:11:13 PM): i lost track of time.. was thinking tomorrow pa!
bobsie_casasola (5:11:18 PM): happy monthsary
joshua_tisoy (5:11:26 PM): una ako…
joshua_tisoy (5:11:37 PM): 2log na ako myamya hun
joshua_tisoy (5:11:50 PM): wake up erli tom and start typing
bobsie_casasola (5:13:34 PM): no classes right?
bobsie_casasola (5:13:44 PM): e una naman talaga time niyo e
joshua_tisoy (5:13:44 PM): yup
joshua_tisoy (5:14:06 PM): hun slip na tlaga ako
joshua_tisoy (5:14:16 PM): pero una ako
joshua_tisoy (5:14:37 PM): una ako
bobsie_casasola (5:14:39 PM): oo na po!! una ka na!
bobsie_casasola (5:14:45 PM): kulit ka ha.
joshua_tisoy (5:15:05 PM): sinasabi ko lang e…
joshua_tisoy (5:15:14 PM): alam mo ba?
joshua_tisoy (5:15:32 PM): na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita?
joshua_tisoy (5:15:43 PM): yihee.. ngiti naman sha… pakitpot.
joshua_tisoy (5:15:52 PM): gudnite my love
joshua_tisoy (5:16:13 PM): i will forever be in love with you
joshua_tisoy (5:16:25 PM): and this is the only time im using the word forever again because i know its for real
joshua_tisoy (5:16:26 PM): we are stronger than steel, baby.always have been stronger than steel.
bobsie_casasola (5:16:27 PM): sweetest dreams my knight in shining armor
bobsie_casasola (5:16:31 PM): oo na. tama na ang pambobola
joshua_tisoy (5:16:52 PM): u will never age for me, nor faden nor die
bobsie_casasola (5:16:54 PM): sige na.. nadaan nnanaman ako sa bola…. ::
joshua_tisoy (5:17:07 PM): okay my love,gudbye
joshua_tisoy (5:17:18 PM): i love u
joshua_tisoy (5:17:25 PM): happy monthsiary

because of all the things happening around me right now, i have again seen how lucky i am to have josh… i have to say, he never shouted at me, even at the times when i know i have stretched his capacity of patience (which is really short normally).. at times that i have become so stubborn, he always calmly explained to me the situation. he never hindered me from doing the things that i want in my life.. and he may not say it quite often but i have come to realize that he loves me well too.. most of the time i dont allow him to, because maybe im scared that he loves me more, but its gushing all over me.. hes not perfect, as often as i would put down here.. but no one is…he loves me and i know it and its such a wonderful feeling that sometimes i cry when i remember that he does… just like kanina.. he has spells like that.. which is really good, now that i think about it that hes not sappy all the time, becuase everytime he tells me, i know its for real… he may look at other pretty girls but i know he would never sleep with them.. and honestly, i have no idea where could be possibly fit another girl into his life when he calls and texts me all the time.. chats when we go home, snail mail.. its incredible, and now its our monthsary again, i remember all over why i loved him in the first place, because he doesnt need to pretend. and sometimes i feel bad because i do… and him? well, never really gave a rats ass for whatever other people think of him, plus he loves me more that i would ever allow him to be…

stupid, noh? if this was being stupid, i dont mind being stupid for the rest of my life.Ü


suppose i say…

mood: mellow
music: Not Myself – John Mayer

eeeekkk.. first and formost.. my enter key is not working again… *click click click* see?! anyway so i have to do this the long way… really steady day today…actually more of a ho hum… *ho hum* its really irritating sometimes… okay.. let me clear my brain first. ———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-okay. game. i waited this morning for josh…its been too long since we last chatted really nice.. and i really missed him. hay.. but then when he came, he was nagmamadali.. i cant remember when i really got ticked, but i guess it was when he told me he cant give me anything coz he didn’t have money. you see, my mom is coming here this April22… and i told him baka meron sha gustong ipadala sa mom ko to give to me diba? and i guess he misunderstood that i meant that as material things.. but i didn’t.. i was never that kind of girl. im more of the kind that wants L.O.L.’s = Labor of Love things.. i want to recieve those things. so i told him na kahit handwritten letter or even a shirt will do.. and he told me “matulog ka na.” OUCH MEN. that really ticked me off.. so i did.. and its just really frustrating… and then when i woke up.. feeling much better, i thought that i was just pagod and everything thats why i got pissed.. and he told me, its okay lang and well chat later kasi may papagawa sha sakin.. wow men.. heavy… grabe na talaga… so i was like.. okay. fine. this was a topic na before.. please let me clear this once again. I DONT MIND DOING ALL THESE THINGS FOR HIM.. but sometimes, i would really appreciate it if i felt that he was just making me utos LESS. you know, like.. oh, i don’t know na really. thats why my song is.. Not Myself today.. i mean, what if im not like this.. would he still be able to love me? the lyrics just really suits me today.. and it really ticks me off that i feel bad about this.. i mean, i really dont have to right? hay…. maybe i just really miss him a lot.. owel.. its just a phase.. malapit na kasi siguro monthsary namin.. were going to be 13 months soon. isnt that grand? hay…Ü *happy thoughts* im kinda okay na now that i think about it.. but still, it doesnt erase these things from my head.. besides, im going to do his paper parin, na hes suppose to do!!! why do i let him kasi not do it e.. GRRR Talaga!!! owel, thats life – let me rephrase that… that’s love. sometimes you dont understand it, but i know in time i will. im out.