this finally went out of queue from my tumblr:
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don’t know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
-Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons
so it’s about time that i begin to write again and squeeze everything out.
it’s supposed to start out like this:
one day, out of the blue, a gust of wind breezed through the walls of an idea, and from it emerged a ninja kid.
he had mastered the wind; both cautious and carefree, constant and capricious, wild and calculated, destructive and restorative.
she was a leaf among the crowded streets. grounded, happy to even just be alive because she was already fragile, brittle enough to break with one step.
it wasn’t an unlikely pairing. the moment the wind blew, the leaf picked up the pace and danced merrily to its melody. they drifted to places, eager to try new things, new memories with old things, old feelings with new memories. the leaf was happy to be airborne again, the wind was happy that the leaf was humming the same tune. they became the caution that should never be thrown anywhere.
and how they loved the moon and all its faces. they can spend hours and hours dancing with the moon and waiting for it to rest – and then they rested too. the wind whistled to the moon how grand it was, and the leaf heard and danced to his breeze. time was forgotten as they splashed through the clouds. “it’s just the wind anyway”, said the leaf. “there’s no way he can step on me and break me into a million pieces.” and even if he did, the little million pieces would still dance on its zephyr.
one day, the wind stopped and so the leaf stopped dancing. just as fast as he swept her off, she plummeted back to the ground, diving headfirst, eyes closed and she shattered. the wind need not step on the leaf to smash it to little pieces. all he needed to do was drift to a different direction. for the wind is playful like that. it was never meant to stay in one place alone.
as i sit here listening to songs i haven’t dared to listen for the longest time, waves of memories flood all over me. what wonderful memories we have made. for what it was worth, i enjoyed each moment and basked in the warmth of its glow. and that’s why it was so hard for me to let go of the idea of him. because it meant to me more than just that. it meant more than something to me, and in a way, i thought holding to it so much longer that i should would mean it meant more. i never wanted a clean slate – but an honest, fighting chance for love.
i fell in love with the ninja kid. i never saw beyond his mask that protects him so vehemently. i thought eyes were all i need to see through a person’s soul. i thought i fell for the man behind the mask. it was sad that they weren’t one and the same. it was a ninja and a kid in front of me. but can anyone blame me for trying? we’re always hopeful for the best. and we can never really prepare for the worst.
no more regrets, just lessons learned and memories made.
what a beautiful mess we made.
one day, a gust of wind tickled the strands of the hair of the girl who loves red balloons. she closed her eyes, blew back kisses of light and love in the same direction, and waved goodbye.