i’ve been staring at the blank title for this entry and i still can’t find the right “in which….” part of my life right now.
maybe i can name it borderline. kinda like the song by madonna. i feel like i’m losing my mind. or i can put in “so here’s what you’ve missed….”
let’s start with that.

so here’s what you’ve missed…

…b was finally out of UST, but she’s still not out of law school. just not yet b. you’ve got to learn to defend yourself before you start defending for others.

kahit tayo’y pagod, buong mundo ay tulog, ikaw at ako, derederecho lang na walang pakialam

kwentuhan lang, wala naman masama.

they say that those who can’t do, teach. i think i’m one of those people who fall in that category. and what a great teacher i make.  how appropriate is it that my real name means “great teacher” somewhat in greek. i think i’ve written about this a couple of entries ago. i helped a couple of friends during our finals week, taught them everything i know, and i end up being the one with the lower score. sounds familiar? ah, the story of my life.
it’s hard to be stubborn and weak at the same time. stubborn enough to think that i can get through things, but when things come crashing down, i wonder if it was ever worth the gamble at all. how i envy those who can still face the sunlight with problems more desperate and earth shattering than mine. but that’s the thing right? no one can really walk in your shoes, and you can’t walk in theirs too. so how the hell are they really supposed to know how you feel? they really can’t. we really can’t.

i pour some coffee and slowly swirl in memories of the nights we watched the stars fade into space…

people just don’t know it yet, but the time space warp in shaider does exist. i’ve discovered my own time space warp. play my itunes and let it shuffle. sooner or later, it will hit a spot. i never finish a song. people have been irritated by this fact. so when i actually do finish a song, i tend to play it over and over again, and it becomes the soundtrack for that specific moment in time.

pictures + itunes = time space warp

my room has changed so much in the last 2 months. a couple of new furnitures, and countless number of pictures pasted in my walls. i feel that i’m finally living on it, and not just sleeping on it. i was trying to go for the minimalistic look when i first moved in to my area. taking away the clutter and retaining what is essential and important. and my bedroom had to be spotless. it was supposed to be a resting place.

but over the past few months, i learned that even my room cannot save me from my own head. the blank walls just creates a bigger canvas for me to play with my thoughts. i felt more empty. how strong and weak that sounds. weak because i can’t seem to let go of everyone’s memories, but strong enough to look at them every single day.  it seems you can never really block and erase and let go of all the memories that once in your life hurt you. how awkward that would be, on the day that you would die, during that “and in that instant, my whole life played before my eyes…”

if i wanted to erase everything, i would surely die faster, because there was nothing to watch.

so far, after 27 years, i think if i ever do encounter a car crash, or some accident that would play that “my life before my eyes” sequence, the rescues would be able to resuscitate me back to life. ang haba kasi ng papanoorin ko. edited pa yon. di pwedeng hindi ko inayos with the complete soundtrack and morgan freeman voice over.

my mind just went blank again. i wish my heart was the one who knew how to write instead.

nobody said it was easy, it’s such a shame for us to part, nobody said it was easy, no one said it would be this hard.

oh take me back to the start.

i have yet to meet someone who can actually say that. it would be as hard as how we imagined it in our heads. that’s the magic of theory and speculations. the results will always be different because of the different variables surrounding us. oh sure, you can think of all the possible combinations and plan a’s and b’s. but the moment you are there

it’s as if you never planned at all.

my brother’s been playing poker at ortigas regularly for some time now. he comes home and tells me how he won this certain game, or how he lost. the end of it all, before we do go to sleep, it never really mattered at all. it just became another story to tell.

so let me talk about gambling for a bit. i think there’s nothing

i came along, i wrote a song for you, and all the things you do… and it was called then i took my time, oh what a thing to’ve done and it was all yellow

in this life that is not a gamble. take for instance, law school. you can burn your ass off reviewing the night before, furiously writing down notes, intensely memorizing articles, talking to yourself as if the professor was in front of you, but then the next day, you either fall asleep in class or the teacher does not go to school at all.

so we go back to that 700million peso question: is it all worth the gamble?

only if you let it to. only if you choose not to walk away. only if you become as stubborn as me throwing caution to the wind. take in  all the memories you can, and  smell the scents and feel all its texture. because if not, then i wouldn’t be writing anything down here at all. it would have been as easy and simple as

i had a chance, and then i figured it wasn’t worth the risk, and so i walked away.

by the rate this entry is going, you can figure out it’s not as easy and simple as that. and that’s why blogs thrive and people need to talk. because at one point in our lives we come to decide we wanted to live today and later on as you seeped in all the happiness it be the same fester that will keep you up all through the night. tossing and turning, each heart beat stronger than the next, pounding through your chest shouting, “this is too much, what the hell were you thinking?”

obviously, i wasn’t thinking at all.

and so with all the left energy i have in me, that little twinkle left, i soothe my stubborn and irritated heart.

you are resilient. you are strong because you are stubborn. and have faith that because amidst all this darkness, that little twinkle left in you,  flickering dangerously in the wind will still be bright enough the whole room.

and that’s why twinkling stars are prettier than the sun. because twinkling stars struggle their way among the clouds, refusing to die amidst the darkness enveloping them. they are trying.

and i guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

hey, what a beautiful mess this is.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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