i have thought long and hard how to start this entry. i remember about 5 hours ago i knew exactly how to start everything, only i chose to take the night off with old friends and a couple of bottles of beer. and now my eyes are dry and random random thoughts are flying over my head.
let’s see if i can start this right.
*a moment of inspiration please. work with me, itunes.*
ah, choices. it all comes down to choices.
today, i got my criminal procedures results. it wasn’t the lowest i got during my whole stay here in law school, the lowest being 35 for my finals last year in labor relations. of course, i knew last year i would flunk that subject for sure. mauuna munang madiscover kung totoo ang time space warp sa shaider bago pa ko pumasa sa subject na yon, and it was ok. it was really ok.
this time around, i didn’t greet this grade as gracious as i did last year. mainly because of a couple of important reasons. let me dissect my mind for a bit.
first and foremost because i knew i was over confident for that test. i got an 86 during my prelims, so i was pretty lax for my finals. ok na kasing puhunan yon. 2nd of all, because i really didn’t care what my grade was. everyone knows that i have entered law school with a confused and heavy heart. it was so heavy that it has anchored itself in the deepest abyss of the seas, with the promise that it will not resurface ever again. my heart has never given me anything more than heartache – which is more than i can expect from it since it was the heart at the first place.
but this sem, direk has shook me in all sides possible. not just throwing me an extra ball, but somewhere along the way it has popped my heart seams and has let the weight come out of my heavy, heavy heart.
forgive me for being so open and blunt in this entry, but some things got to give.
this season, i have learned to hope again. those little dreams
slowly unmending my tightly wounded heart.
and it all came in as a surprise. as quick as a gust of wind, but as gentle as the docking of a paper boat on a shore. it was nothing more than i ever expected. slowly i heard myself saying, “hey, it’s not that bad after all.” and because of these quick glances, soft grazes and simple graces i
felt began to love what i do.
i studied 3 days for criminal procedures. it was luck that i did not have labor since it was the first test for the prelims. my mind was fresh and prepared for everything. all that was stuck in my mind was, “sa papasa, sa papasa.”
this is all novel to me. before this sem, i never cared what will happen next. maybe because i knew that even if i get debarred from UST, my mom’s target for me to become a lawyer will not end there. i will, by hook or by crook, finish this degree.
but that’s the main problem right there. all this time, it has been my mother’s choice. but please don’t get me wrong. i know that all of these is in good faith. she wants nothing but the best for me, and i don’t blame her for trying so hard to push me in the right direction.
you see, i was never the perfect daughter. i have given my mom enough heartaches and suffering to last a lifetime and back. i was always the one to insist on what i wanted, and through that, ms. paninindigan was born. but people get old, and hindi ako diyosa para hindi maapektuhan.somewhere along the long road, i have grown tired and weary insisting what i wanted to do in my life. somewhere along the way, i developed thinking, “why fight it when in the end she would be correct.” ms. paninindigan had to take the backstage to give way to ms. bahalana. and what a convenient life she led. isipin mo, all she had to do was act, and if everything fails, she can easily point a finger to someone else.
but my heart is stubborn and steadfast. it has been released from its chains. it has seen a small opening and is begging to burst in, refusing to get back to its little cubby hole. she says, “it’s not so bad, after all.”
and so we come to my 43. today, i am made to choose one path. either take it and say that i don’t care, or to actually start caring for it.
to start fighting for it. on my own terms and conditions, for whatever possible reason there is. so at least, in the end, i could be able to say, i have given it my all. best effort kung best effort. kasi ganon si bob.
tonight, i had 7 bottles of beer. just enough buzz to make me remember and forget. after this entry, i shall rest my weary head and panting heart. tomorrow, i shall wake up and begin to study.
for tonight, growing balls would start to hurt.