dahil coding today.

and there are just so many random thoughts in my head. random, random.

a great movie once said, anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time.  there are many things in my life that i can settle with, that i can compromise with, but maybe the greatest and hardest lesson i’ve learned so far is this. eye opening, mind torpedoing, vomit inducing love, lust, passion – that, i cannot take away from me.

some people see this as too defensive. not willing to open up to new possibilities and creating walls and defenses too high to crack or climb. but that’s precisely why i refuse to give anything less when it comes to love. nothing feels more wonderful than the thought of someone who fits the spaces of your hand or who scent reminds you of long sunday mornings and strong dark coffee in the middle of a hectic week.that another person, of another heart, and another mind compromises to become a part of your day, and  try to imagine it – you can change your whole outlook by just one touch, one look. how can that ever be so defensive? once in my life, i was called a drifter. and now when i look back at things, i can say that i did drift.  precisely because i cannot be with someone who wouldn’t love me with as much gusto – hair tugging, skin biting, armpit smelling good.

and then one day, it breaks. it shatters. you see yourself reaching out to save it, in slow motion and you’re a millisecond too late. it hits the floor, it cuts you, you bleed. it doesn’t hurt at first – you stare at the shards stuck to your skin thinking whether you should take it out or just let it stay there  or else the blood will come spurting out.  you stare at the room,  big-eyed, wondering what else you could have done. you become helpless and out of control. do you heal yourself first? or do you pick up the pieces? there’s no exact answer to this.

my bed is still stained by the blood that you left.

coldplay said it best, nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be this hard.

so what else can you do but take it back from the start.

love is free. when i see the people i love the fiercest go through such pain and agony, it shakes me to the core. kung pwede lang akuin ko lahat, i will. pero tao lang din ako. my struggle with my own demons are sometimes too strong for me, how can i take so much more for them?

so i just wait, patiently. there are no comforting words i can ever say to really make it better. in fact, sometimes talking just ruins everything. overanalyzing, strategic games are maddening when you’re running on empty. so ganito nalang. kung kaya ko, kaya mo rin.

somehow i know, we’ll get through things. because love is eternal and it is just. we are just an imitation of love. we can only try so hard. this is just the typhoon season, love. zip up and always have hot soup ready to cook.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

One thought on “dahil coding today.”

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