I saw your name and my stomach started to churn. I decided to investigate further, despite the feeling I was going to vomit. And lo! you still get it! Of course, of course you do. And if I were to explain that to anyone it would be so hard, especially to you. And even though it’s been over a year I can’t push down this terrible feeling. It’s only been two weeks from him and I already feel OK to text him and ask what that Indian restaurant was because my friend from high school wants some good Indian food since she’s never had it, ever. But I still don’t feel like I can talk to you, even if I absolutely needed to, even if it were in person, by chance, that we saw each other.
I don’t know why some things are so much harder, so much worse than others. I do know that you’d say things like he said, say things like “No, you don’t, you’d be wasting your talent” and “I want you to take care of me” and mean them both so sincerely despite the contradiction. I do know that you’d at least smile when I stopped everything to read to you the sentence, paragraph, page, that made me exclaim aloud, even on the subway. I do know that things would have been wonderful if it’d been the right time.
– love notes