the first month of the new year usually signifies a clean slate for everyone – forget last year’s troubles and mistakes, it’s time to move on.
of course, i take part of that craze. i rid myself of old clothes (which was a lot this year, considering the rapid weight change), old trash (i take after my mom, i think i’m becoming a bit of a rat pack) and most importantly, i backed up my 2009 files – CD, flash drive and external hard drive.
internally, i decided this is the year i would try start to be the best that i could be in everything that i do. following the mantra, “you are where you are supposed to be”, i realized that one of my strongest weaknesses is that i tend to overdo things – no matter how carefree i look. and overthinking and overfeeling often leaves me indecisive and lost – analyzing the past and worrying about the future. it has to be ironic that way, i say i go where the wind blows, as long as i can steer my own leaf.
but not this year. i vowed and shouted to the universe, “it’s going to be different this time! i will now balance my heart and my mind! I HAVE DECIDED!!!”
it seems that i shouted it out too loud while the universe was taking its afternoon tea. and if you know the universe like i do, tea time is sacred time. it’s down time for the hustle and bustle of its everyday life. it’s not easy blowing a million leaves at the same time. i can hear it say, “decided pala ha. let’s find out how strong your roots are.”
last tuesday, as i went back to school, eager (i have to start using these kinds of words to describe law school) to learn and catch up with what i have carelessly missed this sem, i started to do the “heart” thing. you know, that side of me that will just do what i have to do because i believe in it so much. and it wasn’t a pretty sight. my 12 midnight, my mind was pounding. i can almost hear my own soundtrack around that time:
my mind is telling me noooooo, but my baddehhh, my baddehhs telling me yehhhessss…
my mind was definitely shrieking NOO, but i pressed on, because growing bones and opening my heart is not a pretty and easy sight. by 4AM, i felt accomplished. i had 3 cases to go, but i had to head home because even Starbucks gets tired. i remember telling other Bob, “this isn’t so bad, you can do this after all.”
so what a surprise it was when i got home and realized i had misplaced my phone. barely 3 months old, i loved it most because of it’s my camera and mp3 player at the same time. well mostly because i can still keep taking pictures of my random everydayness. i immediately went to survival bob – freeze and be catatonic, which quickly transformed into WWJD bob – malay mo, yung kumuha non ay may anak na gusto ng lobo para sa birthday niya, which then turned into reality bob – WHAT THE FURK. SHIET HAPPENSH.
this became a cycle for about 4 hours. i forgot to read my cases, went from staring at my ceiling to throwing stuff that reminded me of my phone. in other words, i was
BAD TRIP PARE.
but what can i do? there’s no use in crying over useless chargers. i try start to get back into focus. i wanted to text the universe that i knew there’s going to be some rough patches ahead, but does it have to be that soon? and then i realized, i had no phone to text it with.
today i was faced with another dilemma. it was my friends’ wedding at 3:30PM but i had class at 5:00PM. normally, i would have decided to go to the wedding, but sticking to the plan, i knew i had to go to school. crim2 without absences is hard enough already, and it was our midterms next week. and so i did, planning to just go straight to the wedding afterwards. it was a good thing i went to school because our professor discussed something i was confused with which i know would ultimately help me in the prelims.
i felt accomplished, being able to decide on things and learning to prioritize what was in front of me as of the moment. i remember telling other Bob, “this isn’t so bad, you can do this after all.”
so what a surprise it was when i was on the road, stuck in traffic, when suddenly a man out of nowhere snatches my side mirror. to add to the drama, he even stopped to look at me. it would have been the perfect scene for a romantic movie, but instead of snatching my heart, he snatched my side mirror instead.
i honked my horn, in hopes that in honking it he would get out of his bad side and drop my side mirror. but instead, he just turned and walked away. the cars beside me were now looking at me. i didn’t know what to do, so i just waved back at them. nearly a year old, i have grown to love my Pepita. she never failed to take care of me especially during those nights that i use auto-pilot and i can never forget the time she became our shelter during Ondoy. and now, somebody had just taken a part of her. i immediately went to survival bob – freeze and be catatonic, which quickly transformed into WWJD bob – malay mo, yung kumuha non ay may anak na gusto ng lobo para sa birthday niya, which then turned into reality bob – WHAT THE FURK. SHIET HAPPENSH.
but what can i do? there’s no use in crying over a useless sidemirror shell.
unfortunately, i wasn’t able to jump that quick back into play. when i finally got home and told the story to my mom, she asked me what was wrong with me. i didn’t know what to tell her.
hence, this entry was born. instead of reading my cases, i felt it was better to do this to get it out of my system. this is the first time that i’ve had a series of unfortunate events. it usually just comes to me in one big blow. i don’t know what i like better.
in any case, everytime these sort of things come into contact with me, i am reminded of a chinese story that talks about luck. no one really knows whether these sort of things are really bad or good. i know that Direk is just focusing on me right now and testing whether i really meant what i said.
right now, all i know for sure is that i have to end this and start reading my cases. even Lemony Snicket’s story had to end. i’m sure mine will too.
ps. iniisip ko din, hindi kaya kasi nagpalit ako ng sabon? di ko na nakikiskis ng mabuti ang libag ko? wala lang.