i know i should be sleeping by now since i have 3 classes waiting for me tonight (in which i have painstakingly prepared for) and i have been planning to go to the dentist to get my biannual check up.
i don’t think i can do it today, though.
but here i am, curled at the corner of my room with a cigarette and my laptop on my knees. my head hurts, eyes swollen and skin horribly oily from staying up all night. i’ve only been in this routine for a week (couldn’t really consider it a routine when i just learned how the week goes – but this “ordered” way of life is very new to me) and i feel that i have immersed in it right away.
i don’t know if it’s out of obligation that i do this, or out of obsession – frantically leafing through the pages of the book, highlighting, memorizing, taking down notes – in hopes that the faster i learn these things, the faster i would be able to finish things.
one week down, around 140 more to go.
counting in weeks gives the illusion of waiting a bit shorter.
here’s the awful truth: i do understand these new things being methodically pushed and jammed in my little grey mass. but somewhere between the books, pages and articles, i have seemed to misplace my smile. and my laugh doesn’t seem to reach my gilagid anymore.
i think i’m being a bit hard on myself, but i feel it’s the only way i’d be able to feel anything for now.
so please, when you see my misplaced smile, please return it to me. i’m pretty confident that i just used them as a bookmark in one of the books that i’m reading.
and while you’re at it, send me a hug and i’ll be on my way.