in which i become bipolar in 5 hours.. or so.

i just found myself my newst favoritest movie.

i think i base my favoritest category on how much a movie makes me cry. this one, AH. this one is climbing up the ladder pretty fast.

my thoughts are all over the place so i’ll just do what i do best, type randomly and take comfort at the clicking of my keyboard. bear with me as i try to type what going on in my cluttered brain.

THERE IS A WAR GOING ON. i’ve been wanting to blog about it but i chose not to since i am not well read on the topic. what i know is very minimal and i’m afraid that if i start to blog about it, i’d look more like an ignorant person rather than someone who actually knows something about the issue.

but here’s the point why i wanted to write about the war in Israel and Pakistan. for a moment today (maybe because of the heat and the recent rollercoaster ride my emotions chose to go to) i felt disgusted with the world. here’s a fact on the issue: both sides are killing people. never mind that one side is killing more than the other side, the main point is that we are killing our own. these people being killed and made HUMAN SHIELDS have lost all hope.  they don’t even DARE dream about dreaming.  power is the root of all evil.  give a country 1 nuclear bomb, and they think they can rule the whole world already.  let’s go even smaller than that. give any person a weapon, and it’s an immediate advantage to the armed person.  how can it be that a piece of metal can provide you with this immense feeling of immortality when the truth is, when all your life is sucked out from you, even from a small piece of metal, we become hollow. USELESS. dead.  and then you come and realize, that piece of metal didn’t do you any good at all.  we were all vulnerable from the start.

i know i am stating the obvious here, but as pangs said, it’s frustrating and the rest of us that are not within those borders are apathetic about it.  sure i can read about it, and for the moment be sucked in to it (as i am now) but the truth is, there is nothing that i can do. i am powerless. my thoughts at the most can reach 1000 people (based on my facebook and -ster accounts rolled into one) and these 1000 people, as just as far as i am from the conflict.  the moment i shut down my computer or find myself thinking of other things (as you will very well see in this entry) Gaza would just be another stumbled-upon thing for me. i can keep praying for peace on Earth, but as Direk always said, asa akin ang awa, nasa inyo ang gawa. wala akong ginagawa tungkol dito.

as oz once said in his recent blogs, it’s sad to say but the conflict at Gaza is just way beyond our monkeysphere.

here’s the part where i try to be proactive about it.  i guess the most i can do is share to you the links shared with me about this conflict, and maybe even for just a moment that you are drawn to this issue, stop and say a little prayer for the people who have lost their hopes, their homes and their lives. if ever anyone of you would have an idea on how we can make a difference in these people’s lives, please, contact me. i am willing to share what i can for this cause.

ok so i was spending the unbearably HOT afternoon brooding over the conflict at Gaza, bumming around with my lil big bro and we decided to do a movie marathon.  of course i took this opportunity to watch a scary movie, as i only watch scary movies when there is someone willing to be bitten and beaten up. and so i ended up pulling away an embarassing amount of hair on his scalp  and beating him up.

after the movie (and a couple of mango bravo slices – YUMMM) i was going through my hard drive looking for movies we haven’t watched yet. since we were OC, we picked August Rush.

i had no idea what the movie was about, all i know is that i copied it from mcq and i was multitasking during the start of the movie and by the end of it, i was crying my eyes out.

i still can’t describe why i was crying all through out the movie – i was trying my best to hide my sniffles from my brother (who i’m sure was trying to hide his own sniffles as well) but i guess the thought of meeting someone you’ve longed for and subconsciously loved for the longest time and finally, finally knowing that your home just tugs me.

Wizard: What do you want to be in the world? I mean the whole world. What do you want to be? Close your eyes and think about that.
August Rush: Found.

that feeling of hopelessness, and the need to be found is something that everyone can relate to, at least at one point on a person’s life.  i believe so too.  earlier during my retreat i was asked, where would i be in 5 years from now, and the only thing that popped into my mind was that i would be somewhere happy.

it’s not that i’m not happy right now.  i think as we grow up and that long word “responsibilities” and that confusing word “obligations” start to take place  of  theme parks and slumber parties.  i mean, what are obligations anyway?  who started to obligate who and how was it able to cross oceans? who woke up one day and said, ” from now on, you are obligated to do this to me” and who was that person who went “ok, i will oblige.”

and responsibilities. just typing it and saying it takes at least 4 seconds to do so. how long do you have to keep these “responsibilities”? think of it. when someone says to you, “you are already responsible enough to handle this.” but isn’t response the root word of responsible.  the baby, when it’s hungry, responds by crying.  being irresponsible would literally mean not being able to respond.  so when a person does something, and he responds to it, isn’t that being responsible already?

i think it should be called wrongsponsible instead of irresponsible.

Lyla Novacek: [in tears] It’s taken me eleven years, two months, and fifteen days just to find out he’s alive!
Richard Jeffries: [Jeffries stares at Lyla]
Lyla Novacek: I’ve been counting.

earlier today, someone from my plurksphere posted a question about how one can be motivated to go to work and it got me into thinking. i’m not so much of a planner – in some aspects of my life, as  i would like to see what will happen next. BUT, that doesn’t excuse me from not thinking over and over about it, analyzing which path i would most likely take. and then when it happens, i just get sucked into the moment. nevermind the repercussions i would have later on. so much for analyzing so much about it. that’s why my tattoo pierces me everytime i do something wrongsponsible or stupid.  for that exact moment, i thought it was the right thing to do.  and as much as it would hurt me and scar me for life, i know i have to stand up and dust off the pixie dust left from that moment.

but for the past few months, i’ve been counting. and i find comfort in it. and that’s how i stay motivated. and when i find that my day is dragging and lethargic, i take some pixie dust (i lied, i never dust off ALL the pixie dust) and take comfort in it’s brilliance.

so that’s what i’m trying to say in this mega-babble (hirap kasi ang tagal hindi nag blog eh).   most of the time, it is easier to think that we, as a race can be insensitive, pompous, illogical and downright mean – but i try not to lose hope. happiness, love and hope is a choice.  there are moments like the war that makes me feel disgusted and frustrated for just being 1 human being. but Direk has ways of reminding me that He has a plan always.

and so i gather my tears as pixie dust and keep them in my jar.  in the end, i will still believe in love.

August Rush: Sometimes the world tries to knock it out of you. But I believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

2 thoughts on “in which i become bipolar in 5 hours.. or so.”

  1. Haha you even blogged about it pangs! Goojab!

    I know it’s really a depressing fact that wars are currently happening on most parts of the world and most of the people don’t seem to really care about it. I guess each and everyone of us have our own wars/battles to face. Be it the war in Palestine, Darfur, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or it can be the financial crisis, being laid-off at work, hopelessness to find a job or it can be a breakup from a relationship, family issues or anything you might think of. The thing is as long as we are not directly affected with the problem, we’re OK with it. We wouldn’t care less even if they wipe Iran or Israel off the map as long as we still have a job and can afford to buy ourselves a meal to eat 3 x a day. That’s the reality of it.

    I guess the most we can do is what you suggested, by taking the initiative and be proactive. Learn more about the crisis and share our views to our friends and hope and pray that it might reach to those who can REALLY help.

    Anyway i’ll just cut this short since this was supposed to be a comment and not an entry haha! I’ll just add a url on that list you made.

    I’m really going to watch this documentary as soon as it comes out.

  2. i think you should blog more about this pangs since you know more than i do!! (about conflict, not the movie.)

    sayang yung wordpress blog mo kaya. -.-;

    anyway thanks for sharing this with us. *^^*

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