yesterday mom gave me the list of schools that she wants me to take the entrance exam for law school. UP’s entrance exam is every november, so i was able to skip that one. however, the rest of the schools are still accepting applicants for the next schoolyear. and looking at the ateneo form, i see a receipt for feb 11 – it looks like my mom paid for it already.
this feels like 4th year high school all over again. it seems like my pleas for independence or at least control of my future remain unheard, distant from where my mom stands. she has made up my mind. i am taking up law.
here’s the thing – i don’t mind taking the exam. it’s just that to have no control over it makes me want to not move more.
ever since i was a little kid, all my mom has ever taught me is that one day, i shall become a lawyer. there is no other dream for me but to become one. and now, although there are remnants of that childhood past floating around my brain, i am not sure if this is what i want or just simply because i was trained to dream about it.
but this is what i know i want to do – i want to start working for my future. i think i have drained up the “college days” syndrome. i would just want to work and not work and study at the same time. i know i would love to work somewhere related to my course, and if possible my interests even though i know it will not pay the same amount of money.
i am afraid of what the future would bring me. i have a consistent dream. i dream about it so often that sometimes waking up seems to be the dream and not the reality. i smell it, i taste it, i feel it in me. i close my eyes and i see the future that i want for me. i dare not speak about it loudly for it might fly away from me. and i’m selfish right now. it’s the only thing that keeps me going. it’s a far shot among the stars, but a girl can dream.
and if one day, this dream of mine fails, i shall take up law. and i will be great. i will think of nothing else but to be the damn lawyer my mom wants me to be. i won’t be able to pursue my own dream, at least let my mom have what she wanted all this time. i’ll be miserable but rich. i will keep looking at the window trying to remember that once in my life, i had a beautiful dream that just faded away. but i will be too busy to even remember it. i will go on living with a gnawing feeling that somethings missing but i shove it away, thinking that finally, i was a great daughter to my mom.
it seems like everyone else’s life is on the go and mine is the pit stop they go to rest and recover,and when they’re done, they leave, shiny and new while i stay on, smeared with the grease i used to shine their stars.
i hope one day i stumble upon this entry again and be proven wrong. who knows? maybe i can have it all.
but for now i remain here.