she was gone.
she tried to make sense of it. closed her eyes to see if she would be able to feel something more than this numb, hollow-but-at-the-same-time-drowning feeling wash over her, but that was it. she tried to cry, but the more she tried, it seems the more her tears got scared to flow. and she was scared of what will happen when the tears started to flow – if ever they will.
as a kid, she loved carousels. her father used to take her out in carnivals, bought tickets more than they can ever handle and she would beg to ride the carousel first, somewhere in between, and last. “please, papa. one more time.” and he would oblige, as always. she loved the lights, the laughter and the children who were equally in awe like her. and somehow even though she knew that the carousel just kept turning and turning, without even leaving the same place, it was as if she would be transported into a new place. her little shangri-la. even if it was just for 3 minutes. then the music would stop, her papa will carry her down, and again, she will beg to go on the carousel.
“please papa. just one last time. i promise to be a good girl.”
but everyone had to grow up, even her with an innocence that everyone is innately good. even her who believed that people can be trusted right away. who believed if you want it so bad, you would do anything. ANYTHING. if you want it so bad.
but she’s still in the carousel, and her father is not around. she wants to get off. the lights blind her. the music seems to be droning her eardrums out. and even though she’s been into so many places, it now feels that she’s just going around, and around.
maybe her father paid enough tickets to really last her a lifetime in that carousel.
her head swirls, and she closes her eyes and grips tight to the pole in front of her. the seatbelt that used to secure her won’t help her anymore. she wants to go down. she wants to stop.
“please papa. make this the last time. i promise to be a good girl.”
and the sad truth is, it won’t.
so she holds on tight. and see who will wear out first. the carousel