and pick up my pieces on my own.
i’ve kept my shattered heart plastered with band-aid, wrapped in plastic, dipped in candle wax and frozen in ice for the longest time thinking i could just go on living like this – a hard, encased shell with all my little pieces rattling inside me. but the rattling just makes everything inside me noisier and i cannot hear myself anymore.
today i expose my vulnerable, still beating, almost there heart.
and i’ve never felt more human than ever.
it only takes a small crack to bring down a huge dam.
please don’t get me wrong, i’m now okay with living with my heart in pieces – it’s still my heart, and it’s pieces still breathes for me. actually, since there are more of my heart right now, it constantly reminds me that it exists, and pounds through my chest with every small detail that it screams to be remembered. “remember how this feels like” it begs to me.
today, i will listen to these memories. i sit down and remember all the things my heart begs of me to do. because she deserves it. she deserves to be heard. because my heart felt it and went through it, i will respect it and give her the time she needs.
only because i know we can get through this.
i write this because this is the truth, and because i usually wear my heart on my sleeve.
i still love him. i love him. and i am amazed at this intensity my heart is crying out to me. just as i have wrote a couple of months before, how can someone so far feel so near to me? how can someone out of sight be so real?
but i am not mad, or bitter (i think i haven’t gotten to that stage yet, although getting mad requires too much energy from me that i refuse to harbor it). reasons have been said, and the cards have been dealt. in the end, all that matters is that a decision has been made, and the only thing that i can do is live with what i was given. i cannot control the decisions of the people around me. it’s simple see – you don’t stick with someone you don’t like. period. and that is indeed a big pill to swallow after all the little dreams that i’ve weaved and taken care of.
i am disappointed because i wasn’t given the opportunity to prove my capacity, our capacity.
these things do happen. i understand. i fell in love with a human being, and i cannot take against him what was done to me. i cannot say, “why did he do this to me? what did i do to deserve to be treated like this?”
because we are no better than the other person beside us. things happen because we are all equals, we all sleep, eat and shit the same. our crap is no better than the crap of the superstars or the world leaders. so if things fuck up, it’s only because we are all human, capable of mistakes.
i choose not to wallow with this experience, instead, learn from it. i cannot mope around all day and go through how much i miss him all the time. he may not love me, but i do love myself. and it would be pathetic that i was left behind already and then just stay. the truth is, he is right. i am busy and i do have bigger priorities in my life. and even though i still don’t want to plan so far ahead, i really can’t wait to graduate. and it’s not that “it’s not you, it’s me” crap. the thing is – it just wasn’t right during that time. and that’s okay.
so here’s to my heart, for being courageous enough to love and to get hurt, and to my independence, for always making sure that we can love and get hurt again and again and making sure it will never kill us.
except maybe my smoking habit.