YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.
i slept early last night, but this phrase just kept popping in my head so i’m up and about this early, making this entry. so let’s begin dissecting my cluttered brain.
here’s the reason why this kept popping in my head.
i watched ironman last night, and i totally enjoyed the movie. i enjoyed it so much i wasn’t leaning on my chair anymore. it is a bad habit, i know, but i tend to lean forward when i do enjoy something very much.
i think it was somewhere around the time Yinsen was dying that i started to lean forward to the screen. when he told Tony, “don’t waste your life”. and then the realization of Tony with the things that he has done for his country. he thought all this time that he was adding to the solution, when in fact, he was adding to the problem.
i stopped typing for a minute because there are other things that i wanted to discuss – the stress on the Americans being the heroes and again Afghan terrorists – but that’s not what’s boiling inside me right now. so yeah, sorry for that brain fart.
you see when i got home, the Last Holiday was showing in HBO, and since i wasn’t that sleepy yet i decided to watch it and got hooked. just to be clear, it was about this girl (Georgia Byrd) who thought she was dying and decided to live her life the way she wanted it. She quit her job, and did the right things, just like Tony did after he learned Stark was actually funding the black market.
i’m a bit new to this looking-at-the-future-thing-concept that i think somewhere around the time i learned i would be doing my ojt, preparing for a reunion, a sponsorship and depleting the last of my resources that i lost myself. i’ve never been so driven all my life, and it’s taking a toll on me. i really thought i was enjoying what i was doing but i find myself looking at my planner more often than before (and actually writing SOMETHING on it more than scribbles and thoughts) that i have forgotten to live – somewhere between there.
during the last sponsorship where i staffed, i became more focused on the schedule (that being my responsibility, of course) and how i will be able to make my own sponsorship better. oh yeah, i definitely felt that high afterwards, but somehow, it wasn’t the same. i keep saying that it was all for Direk, but then why did i have so many questions or plans afterwards? is it really to make the sponsorship better for Him? or just for me and my class? i’m pretty sure that Direk would still be happy even if we just served bread and water to our class if it meant we gave it with all our heart.
now i am confused – because i know i am doing this for Him, it’s just that all this planning really hard is something new to me. somehow, somewhere i feel that there is a pressed effort that i don’t usually experience going on that’s making me feel uncomfortable.
a couple of weeks ago i went to HK to spend some quality time with my favorite man. and i remember about a small spat we had on our second night. that wasn’t me at all. it was weird and i felt i was outside of my body, watching myself go through that small tiff. for a moment there i forgot to immerse on the day. that was our day, our time together.
maybe because my time with him is so limited and that he’s so anal when it comes to schedules that i sometimes panic and forget to relax. there are so many things that i want to do with him, say to him that when i remember that i have so little time left with him, i end up doing nothing. how sucky is that?
and i know all is done in good faith and i know it is just in his nature to keep a tight schedule and remember places and names and all that, but honestly, it wasn’t going to the Peak or Lan Kwai Fong that i remember so clearly in my head. it was that song that he kept humming and humming the whole weekend. it was that weird sound he makes when he’s not talking that i remember. it was the beautiful sunset and him leaning patiently on the side because i wanted to see and take a picture of the sunset when i knew he was hungry and getting cranky that i remember. it was the going by my pace (because he walks so fast) (because my boots were killing me) and seeing the beautiful buildings that i remember. it was me massaging his callused, well-used beautiful rough hands in the taxi, me watching him sleep soundly (yeah i got that adjective right) that i remember. it was him preparing my rice and shrimp (RICE AND SHRIMP SA MOVIE HOUSE. kamusta naman yan), him opening my bottle of water and placing it to my side, him forever opening the door and holding my hand as we i get out of the taxi that i remember.
and yet somehow, there are still times that i still feel scared. and that’s why we had that argument. because we felt scared. not as a couple, but through our own individual weaknesses. and i know i shouldn’t be.
i have been waiting for this time for almost 7 years now – the time i actually do my OJT. and so far, things aren’t going as i planned them to be. maybe it was the expectations or the high hopes that i had that i seem to just take whatever it is placed in front of me. mind the word there, i just TAKE. i don’t SIMMER, IMMERSE, EXPERIENCE. (i just noticed that simmer and immerse has the same letters – funky.) and it is because i’m so focused on my goal to graduate that everything else in between is just something i walk on by. i used to enjoy traffic and the time it gives me to rest a bit, but now, traffic means i’m going to be late and less time for my work which means longer time before i transfer to my next OJT. as in ganon na kalayo ang tingin ko, and i’m beginning to tsktsk myself on that. rain now means i have to bring an umbrella, and a super hot weather means i’ll be perspiring by the time i hit lunch.
whenever did i become this…. focused?
and you know what? all this counting and focusing actually ate the time when i was supposed to be doing my ojt, because i wanted an ojt that would kill the most time in a day and i didn’t want to settle for an ojt that gives me 4 hours a day.
i miss my girls. it’s been a long time since i have sat down and had lunch with them. we used to have weekly lunches that stretches to dinners and coffee and even alcohol sometimes. i used to have coffee with marsh at least 3 times a week. and it wasn’t even the issue of money, see. we made do of what we had. at kahit mahal ang starbucks we would still hang there and share a tall machiatto that will miraculously sustain us for 4 hours or more (ice, please). but we had time for each other. now i don’t even have the time to text them.
i tell myself, we’re all busy. we all have different priorities now. and somewhere between those lines, i feel the words we are growing up creeping up on it. but why don’t i feel like i’m growing at all?
is this the way grown-ups are supposed to be?
and then, one day, BAM. it will hit me. one fateful boring day Direk will decide that he is bored and tinker with my life and say i have a few days left. and then i will cram everything into a week. but how will i ever do that when everything dear and precious to me were just right in front of me all this time? how will i ever cram a whole lifetime of experiences to a few days?
come to think of it, we are all dying. we just don’t know when that is. i guess that’s why people take it forgranted and plan so absurdly ahead. the future is so vague that planning seems the only rational thing to do to actually materialize it. and when we get to that future and it’s not the thing that we wanted, we furiously try to look back at what we have done so wrong in the past only to realize that it’s a bit too late. as Yinsen said in the movie, “so you’re a man who has everything, but nothing.”
i do want a future. for the first time in my life i actually see myself wanting to be somebody. a person with a degree, an employee, an employer, a director, an eventologist (i saw this in yahoo), a manager, a good granddaughter, daughter, sister, student, partner, wife, mother and friend. but writing these lines now made me realize i am all of that right now. if i just remember that i am like that to those who truly believe and love me and more importantly, it’s not supposed to be me who’s doing the planning in my life. That’s Direk’s role. i’m but just a lowly actor in His big stage of life.
i can be wrong, you know. i now if my mother sees this entry she would say that having a goal is the most important thing in my life so i know where to go, but somehow, that only scares me more. and i don’t want this scared feeling. it’s too much for me.
so i’m going to list the things that i’m scared of right now, so it becomes real to me, and the moment it becomes real, i can really get it off my chest.
-i’m scared of not graduating on time. if there’s such thing as time. i’ve been in college for more than 7 years now and i’m scared of disappointing my mom any further. i’m scared that i won’t be able to find a job that would suit me.
-i’m scared with all this planning. planning means there’s a goal and if i don’t meet it, i will end up disappointing myself. there you go. i’m scared of disappointing myself.
-i’m scared to lose my friends. i finally know the difference of acquaintances and friends and with all the things happening in my life, it would get too tiring to tell my whole life to new friends. besides, most of my stories are the “you gotta be there to get it” stories. making new friends are fine, but i pretty much am satisfied with what i have right now.
-i’m scared of getting hurt again. i know i won’t die from it, but life is too short for things that aren’t real and i don’t want to die without knowing the real thing! and he may be physically far from me most of the time, but he’s real, alright. trust is so precious to me and i never learn and give it so willingly that i end up being a fool. i’m scared of being a fool again.
-i’m scared of not being a good provider and role model to my children. i’ve done so many things in my past that aren’t exactly the way daughters or even people are supposed to be. i’m scared at the idea that i’m going to be a blueprint of an individual, that their initial thoughts, ideas, actions, values and morals will be coming from me. i’m scared they won’t feel how much i love them if i am not able to provide for them the way i was provided in my life.
okay. that’s a pretty long list. and in honor of me being bi-polar/schizophrenic and actually knowing the answers but just keep forgetting the main facts of life, i will answer them myself.
-bob, you were supposed to graduate 4 years ago. it just so happened that you didn’t. you cannot be scared not graduating on time because you’re not. you’ll be off by 5 years. so chill. by this time i’m sure your mom is through with her disappointment and is just as eager as you are to actually graduate. if she’s not, then that’s not your problem anymore. as for your job, i know you to be a very able person. to think that you have started working and earning already without your degree, what makes you think that you won’t be able to get a job after you get your degree? having your degree is just like having a 1UP in super mario brothers. you’re still alive, but it’s just nice to know that if you ever fuck up you’ll have another round at things. you’re a fighter. gagawa at gagawa ka ng paraan.
– well then, don’t be disappointed at yourself. we keep reminding ourselves we only got each other, so if things fuck up, stand up, brush yourself and fix what needs to be fixed. we’re not going to die – yet.
-as one good friend reminded you before you left for UK (and who you reminded when he went to Dubai) you will never lose your true friends, no matter how long you don’t see each other. if you miss them, text them. do something about it. your old friendships will be tougher than your marriage you know – they are the only ones who truly know your bra size and how many, in fact, you have kissed and slept with. because they are the ones who are able to take tabs during those nights you just had too many vodkas. so yeah, i think you better take care of your friendships, if you value your dignity and life.
-here we go again with looking all sweet and googly-eyed. face it bob. you’re in love. of course you’d look like a fool. and you know you will get hurt again and again, because you’re in love with someone as imperfect as you. you are not in a relationship with a god. so there will be bumps, and you’d be swallowing a lot of lumps. but this is your decision and his decision also as mature (umm..) rational, consenting individuals. to trust him fully comes with loving him fully. ikaw na mismo ang nagsabi, life is too short for things that are not real, so make it real. besides, you’ll never run out of giving love. your Source is Infinite and Eternal so there’s just no quenching that love anytime soon.
-bob, ikaw ang nagsasabing ayaw mo muna magplano, ang layo na niyan. graduate ka muna, ha, then we’ll worry about that. seriously though, i think you’ll be an awesome mom precisely because you know how it is not to be a daughter. your patience will be longer because you can actually say, you’ve been there, done that (a million and a half times). now, if your children decides to do it your way and experience it for themselves, then you really can’t blame them since they are your children. they will have that stubbornness in them. and since they will be your children, you know that you need not worry because you are a survivor, which will make them a survivor too. so steady ka lang.
okay, i think this entry can account for being one of the longest entries (if not the winner!) i’ve ever done but it’s okay. i actually feel better now, and it’s time for me to really wake up and start my day.
it was that scene from the Last Holiday when Georgia was facing the mirror during new year’s eve that ignited this long entry. she said to herself, “Next time, we will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid.”
and i won’t be waiting until Direk gets bored for me to remember that.