in which i talk about my papa

today i was able to witness something that i never thought could and would happen in my entire life.

i saw my papa cry.

my papa was always a strong man, with strong, passionate words that should you have an EQ of a goldfish, you wouldn’t probably last 10 minutes with him. he’s not affectionate to anyone of us and maybe that’s why i grew up yearning for his attention and his attention.

i have my papa’s smile and his eyes. it’s so rare that i see him smile so when he does, i capture that in my memory. his eyes twinkle like it always holds a secret, or a thought he would never share with anybody.

but today, my father, my stoic, hard-hearted, cold father cried.

it’s all about this family money nonsense. i don’t talk about it in my blog because i feel i am not part of this mess they are in. but to give a brief background, there are, of course, 2 parties involved. apparently, may dayaan sa mana.

and so amdist the shouting my papa serenely choked in these words : “ang sabi ng mama, pag nawala na siya, magsamasama daw tayong magkakapatid.”

he wasn’t able to finish his sentence.

to see my father crumble like that hurts me and relieves me at the same time. it hurts me to see someone so proud to finally lower down everything and cry. and it relieves me because it was time that he did.

my papa didn’t go to my lola’s side when she was admitted to the hospital for the last time. i begged, pleaded, cajoled him to go, but he was stern and proud. he said he has already asked forgiveness from his mother that he will not visit her until she’s buried in Holy Cross.

and like the stubborn mule that he is, he never went. to the wake, to the funeral or after.

for over 20 years, i have heard the same stories again and again from him – that he was the driver of his siblings (he’s the 2nd of 6 children), that health is wealth, that time is gold, that he was a boxer in letran, that instead of studying he had to do chores his father commanded him to do, that his father made him responsible for all his siblings that he forgot his own life, that he can curse a person and it would come true, that he’d rather see us suffer and feel pain rather than steal (for the truth will set you free) his love for women (and apparently vice-versa) and that if we disobey his orders and should we find ourselves in jail, he would personally lock us up.

it’s a contorted view of conviction, but my papa does what he says he will. still, it doesn’t excuse him from being human. and today, instead of seeing a man who is stubborn and close-minded, i saw a man who just wanted to obey his parents, no matter what. i saw a brother who was also in pain seeing his siblings fight over something that isn’t theirs in the first place. and that he loves us – he just doesn’t know how to show it to us.

i don’t want to say anything, but just so i get it out of my system, i can feel something is wrong with my papa. alam kong may ini-inda ang katawan niya, but it’s just that he’s so damn stubborn. his eyes say that he’s already tired, but his twinkle is still there. i tried to coax him to stop eating food that was not good for him, but he always tells me that he knows his body well.

for someone who has over 20 years of his life with a BP of 120/200, i doubt if he knows a lot.

during my lss, i told my shepherd i wanted to pray for the healing of my family. and slowly, but surely i see it coming true. at least 4 na silang magkakasama, 2 nalang, bati-bati na sila.

i’ve claimed it with Direk that He would give the power and grace to heal my family.

i really don’t know how i feel right now. i am scared and happy with these changes in my relationship with my papa. i still pray i would be able to see the day my dad will take my child to luneta with a big inflatable ball and play as if the park is theirs. that is one of my fondest memories with my papa.

di ako nagrereklamo, Direk, nagkwekwento lang po.

i’m out.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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