in which i admit / because writing it down makes it real

there has been an entry in my mind that has been begging to come out for quite a while now. i have been cowardly hiding my thoughts in
short phrases
long stories
that i hope no one would be able to decipher (or at least have a minute or two to think about). on the brighter side, this has of course, been very beneficial for my blog since i get to post entries at least every other day and not start ranting or blabbering as i am now.
but, i think, i deserve to finally write an entry about it.
about him.
him has made me very happy for the past couple of months. it wasn’t the grand kind of happy that i normally look for – the spotlights, glitters, fireworks – everything that would make me shut up and stare in awe and amazement.
but this him, was just there. it was odd really – from the first time that we talked, everything just seemed to POOF – not BOOM. there was no BOOM with him. i never even thought of feeling anything more than just friends, because honestly, he was just there.
and he’d call, and i’d talk, and talk and talk. he’d ask for my opinions and i just kept on talking and talking. i have to admit, that during the start, i felt that i was in a pageant, during the question and answer portion. he’d ask a question, i’ll come up with an answer. there would be times that he’d just call just to hear me rant about simple things that would obviously be gone by tomorrow. but still, he’d listen.
my monologues started to become dialogues. minutes of talking became hours that i would have to keep my phone on the charger since our energy was draining the technology. and then one day
i found myself waiting to talk to him.
i think, one of the best feelings in the world is actually to be able to come home tired with someone waiting for you and just asks how your day was. that someone actually cared to see you go through your mundane, simple day.
oh, and he reads. he might not read as fast as i do, but he reads books, and goes to libraries and watches movies alone, and wants to dance and sings like crap in videoke.
he reads my blog religiously and asks me about the things i write. asks about the people i write about. asks why i have that LSS. asks what my dreams are, my fears, my silly rants and fervent desires.
he was more than willing to meet and talk to my mom. actually stay in my house, sitting in our old ratty green sofa and let my mom stare at him for hours. and he knew although i don’t like flowers, one tulip was enough to make my day. just because.
there were no fireworks. it was was subtle, like the first ray of sunshine slowly warming the cold night that has passed.
there was nothing grand about it.
it was the little things that endeared me to him. (guard your heart, bob)
so why did it take me this long to actually write about him?
it was my pride.
i didn’t want to admit to myself that i was actually falling for him. just so that if this fucks up, i would have the perfect excuse to say, “it never really mattered to me. he was just another used to be.”
i didn’t want to fall for someone who was actually, for the first time, noble with his intentions. i was falling for a good guy. how then, would i be able to say, “things fucked up because he was a nut case, or something was wrong with him.”
today, i will swallow my pride.
i will say, him is dear to me. i will not put on my go girl face and say, this is nothing for me. him, i think, first and surprisingly is, a great friend. and i guess, i am letting my guard down. not all of them, for i have a couple with me, but at least, i acknowledge that this is a big lesson for me to learn.
i think, one of the lessons i have to learn with him is to be able to balance letting my guards down and at the same time not settling for anything less.
i know i deserve the best, and Direk would have not put this actor beside me just because He was tired of my monologues.
there was a time, not so long ago, when i told him that i was not scared. for fear is brought about by the devil.
but now that i think about it, i am scared. but in me being scared of what lies ahead will only mean i would have to actually use the courage Direk has given me.
if i am not Scared, my Courage will be useless.
if i do not Doubt, my Faith will be useless.
if i don’t feel Pain, my Joy will be useless.
and if i don’t take a Chance, my Love will be useless.
and so i admit. and acknowledge the presence of him in my life.
and how i anticipate what else he has to offer me.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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