in which i was able to hug my papa

who would have thought after a couple of weeks i would be able to strike another in my to-do list?

ok, so i don’t have any pictures proving this, but yeah, i was able to hug my dad for more than 5 seconds. and then he budged. i actually tried to hug him when i last saw him, but he resisted right away.

once a month, we make it a point to go visit my dad in Balut. although this might mean listening to him rant ENDLESSLY for about 2 hours or so about the same things we have heard from him for the last 20+ years of my life.

last Saturday, before i went to his house, i called up as i normally would before going to check if he would be home, and there was the usual routine of listening to him rant about his life.. and so on.

when we finally got there, we once again had to listen to him rave about trivial and not so trivial matters about our complicated family issues, and then he just mellowed down. and started giving random pearls of wisdom that i know i should take advantage of and instill in my mind. it may have sounded weird, but i guess beneath that tough exterior and plain craziness, i was positive my dad wanted me to feel that he loves me.

when we finally stood up, i decided to go for it. i tried last month, and it didn’t go as i planned. there would be no harm in trying again. upon reaching for him, he had his arms to his side, and i just hugged him. and he patted me back.

tomorrow, my dad turns 61. and i don’t know how many years i will still have with him. my papa is crazy. he shouts and curses all the time, he is sad for his past and in turn very careless with his future. my papa is proud. he never says sorry, and never admits to anything he did that is wrong. kung tama sha, tama siya. kung mali siya, tama parin siya. i will never know how many women he had and will still have. i’m pretty sure he won’t be there for my wedding to walk me down the aisle (besides, i want my mom to do that) and if that already is impossible, i know i wouldn’t have that normal father-daughter dance. but he is a man of principle, no matter how deranged those principles are. and i love him. because he is a part of me, and somehow, he is in me too. now that i think about it, i am sometimes like him too. and i constantly pray it wouldn’t be on that intense level like him.

so to my papa, whom i will always love and adore and shamelessly put on a pedestal, i want you to know that no matter how far you are from me, and although i know my love for you will never heal the wounds of your past, i want you to know that i love you still. crazy, a bit demented, deeply wounded and all. i had to stop and re-evaluate all the things i wish the both of us were able to do, and the things i wish we could do, but i know better not to. please take care of yourself. alam ko, masama kang damo. hindi ka pa mamatay. and right now, i guess i realize, anak talaga ako ng tatay ko. besides the fact that para tayong pinagbiyak na inodoro, i have inhherited a couple of traits from you. i guess, the most evident of them all is smoking. hehe. but i will try to quit. soon, pa.

so, before i burst into tears here again, happy birthday, papa.

33.hug my dad – my dad is not an affectionate person, yet i consider myself a papa’s girl because i was more attatched to him when i was a kid. so i guess that’s why i’m so gigil to hug him.

i’m out!


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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