in which i try to force down an entry

so yeah, i haven’t written in about a week already, but my mind has been full of so many things that i just can’t seem to put it down.
it’s been hell of a week for me. a pneumanic sort of week for my emotions. from super down to this super high i feel, i keep thinking of this text message that i got from one of my friends.

sometimes, i want to let the hands of the clock be stopped everytime i am happy, i just want to hide the hourglass just to make myself believe that moments would not end, but i never did such, for i realized, there are also those who wanted the hands of the clock move, for every strike of it would mean a little recovery from pain for those who had bad memories in the past and wishes that the hands of the clock will tick faster.

so yeah, i resolve to go through this as slow and as fast time would allow me.

i went and attended my SE weekend last May 25-28. i nearly didn’t make the most out of it. thinking that others are still more important than myself. but Direk saw me through. He was patient enough and i got the message pretty clear. i had to start thinking about me. and that He would never, ever let me go. and in return, i will not let go. and i will just keep singing louder, and praising Him higher, because truly, He never left me.

after seeing such a wonderfully connected, perfectly imperfect community trying to mold together to praise God, how can i not say i am loved? how can i say that Direk has forsaken me? Never niya naman talaga ako iniwan e. and for that, i think i should be eternally grateful.

magaling talaga ang timing ni Direk. and magaling din ang tattoo ko. just when i thought everything was ok, hindi pa pala. i was very humbled by this experience. i was reminded that i cannot carry the burden of other people and myself alone. because i am weak alone. it is only through Him that i would be strong. mahiyain kasi ako. (HUWAAAAAT?!?!) feeling ko, kaya ko na ang lahat. hindi pa pala. kaya nga babalik na e!!

as for the 3rd chapter of my life, let me write this down with all honesty, just because i have resolved to keep one kind of entry for all my journals. i find it is better and it is more liberating to just keep writing the truth, and so here’s the truth.

i still love baboo. or better yet, i love him. but i guess the biggest lesson i learned from him is that there are things that i cannot fix, no matter how much love i offer, no matter how long my patience is. i have learned to let go without bitterness. it doesn’t need to be bitter, or sad, or hurtful anymore, because there is nothing wrong with loving.

oh yeah, it still hurts, especially at night before i go to sleep, there are still moments that flash before me, and moments that i wish i had with him, and i end with a smile. because i want to believe that we had it good. and i only wish him the best in life.

tonight, i am sure i will be thinking of him before i go to sleep. just like the other people that has passed in my life. and i’m sure i will go through this for Direk knows how long. but i will bask on it, and make every moment count, so that when the time comes that i will bask in happiness, i will be able to relish and immerse myself in it.

i understand, more than you think i can
you have to go out on your own, so you can find your way back home…

i’m out.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

14 thoughts on “in which i try to force down an entry”

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