in which it was a very long night.

i just finished talking to my mom because i asked her about her relationship with my dad. and i got more than i asked for.
this is the closest i have ever been with my mom.
when i entered the room, she was already sleeping. the tv was still on, so i turned it off, crawled beside her and asked for a hug. i was scared to talk to her at first. i didn’t know what to say. i didn’t know how to say
ma, minahal mo ba talaga ang papa ko?
so in the middle of the night, i woke her up and cuddled up beside her just saying “ma…”
and she just hugged me and said, “what’s wrong?”
and i just can’t say it.
so i kept praying to direk to help me and give me the strength to go through it, and i just kept on hearing him say,
” go on bob.. madami ka matututunan.”
and as usual, tama si direk.
eto na ung funny part.
my mom finally said,
ano, gusto mo na magpakasal.
HALLER.
that was not my problem.
kamusta naman at nasira ang pag-eemote ko.
i wasn’t even thinking of that. by the way the night was going, i’m sure that was least of my concerns.
we talked long enough, and it’s true that moms are moms for a reason. she is my own flesh and blood, and from her own body, she created me.
i finally popped the question, and she answered it. not with the greatest ease, of course, but she answered it.
“yes, i did.”, she said.
and then came the more difficult question to answer.
did you love him as in really love as in head over heels in love with him, or did you love him because you felt there is no body else out there and you were running out of time?”
in all fairness, i know she answered honestly. she said she married him of course because she loved him, but it was more because she was running out of time. and then she said, she knows that would not be a problem with me.
of course, she got curious why i had to ask that question.
me and baboo had an argument earlier that evening, and he said something that struck me pretty bad.
i have forgiven my exes. but i haven’t forgiven their acts.
and so i began thinking.
as i jotted down the things i wanted to tell each one of them, i realized, my fear of disloyalty rooted from my dad.
i was afraid i would end up like my mom.
and now i realize, my baboo was correct.
i told my mom what i did, what i said, and the things that i am afraid of. and we talked a lot.
and maybe, because of years of experience, she was able to answer it simply, like this. (of course, this is not in verbatim)
” the time will come when you will fall in love, anak, and no one can stop you from doing so.and these people will hurt you, one way or the other, principles or none. pero alam mo naman ang sagot diyan. if they cheat on you, then you only have two choices. if you can live with the idea of someone stepping over what you firmly believe in, or simply walk away. i chose to walk away, but it doesn’t mean i gave up. i cannot give up because i have to keep on moving. there is a reason why everything has to happen, and until that time comes, you wouldn’t know why it would happen, and there would be times you don’t realize when you are in that situation and you fail. but when that happens, you have to stand up, and start walking again. life is all about falling and standing up again. trust me, masasaktan ka din. hindi na uso ang martyr ngayon.pero if that is your choice, then go ahead, it’s your life.”
“find a man that makes you laugh, and loves you greatly. it’s not his fault that he has mistakes, because you are not perfect too. but you have to remember what it is that you firmly believe in, and if one day, it will be stepped on, then do something about it, for the mean time that every things ok, you don’t have to educate your partner with the lessons you have learned from the past. he has a past as well. paghindi pa nangyayari, there is no sense of bringing the subject up.it is up to the both of you to choose to work it out, or just let it go.”

she said a lot more than this, but there are some things that i have to keep for myself.
pero this i just have to write down.

too many things are still fluttering in my head, but somehow, my mom was able to organize everything without me telling the whole story.
but these things, i am already sure of.

1. i acknowledge the fact that i was hurt, and that it meant a lot to me. never mind the “go-girl-i’m-better-off-without-you-you-never-can-hurt-me” stuff. the truth is, i was hurt and scarred a lot. not only do i have to forgive my exes, but i have to forgive the acts as well. i have to acknowledge that they did these because they can, and because it is not meant to be. i know it would take time for me to finally say i am done and over with the act, but acknowledging and confronting it is my 1st step.

2. i love my mom because no matter what our differences our, at the end of the day, she is still my mom and there would always be that surreal connection between the both of us. and today, i acknowledge that.

3. that i am in love with a man who is perfectly flawed just like me. i can never change him, nor do i want to, or would i want to change for him. this is my choice, and i owe it to myself and to him to hold his hand, walk the line, and see where this road will take us. i got to have faith.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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