if God was down here right now, He would have bitch slapped me.

me and marsh have this twisted, almost blasphemous theory that God enjoys watching our lives. nope. not in that way that you are thinking. i mean, yes. it is established that He does watch us from up there. but He watches us for AMUSEMENT. See, everything else that He did in this world, He made perfectly. but with me and marsh, He maden us that one special day that He wanted to take a break from being God. that was the day He just wanted to become Himself.. you know, hang loose and be carefree. and so, He made the both of us in a way that we would never be able to fix our own lives, but we would be able to fix each other’s lives.

so, there would be days in God’s long life (try living for the whole of eternity) that everything seems to be perfectly troubled. and God would be happy, since He knew what the people would do. He would go on living His life like this every single day, watching over us, screening the people who want to enter heaven, send down a few angels to do a couple of miracles, briefing the new souls who would be sent down, doing His rounds and saying hi to everybody up there… you know, His usual life.

after a hard day’s work, sometimes God wants to stretch out and just lay back, over a glass of wine (He made the grapes anyway!) and survey over the wonderful creation that He made.

He was doing this a couple of weeks ago. He saw that the world was fine. the oil crisis is still there, global warming is just right on time, there is a war going on in Israel and Lebanon, not to mention the consistency of America. and then, He saw us. We were sitting in our thinking seat in BF Thai, laughing everything that life was throwing us. With everything that was happening in our lives, me and marsh was still laughing.

God thought, “it’s been a while since i poked around their lives. i’m kinda bored.”
so, he called for St. Peter (who was, at that time, shining his key) and said, “Tingnan mo to, napaka-steady ng 2 to. guguluhin ko yung buhay nila. tingnan mo, nakakatawa.”
St. Peter, who happened to be very fond of Chants, said, “wag na boss. hayaan mo na yang dalawang yan. harmless naman e.”
then God says, ” hay nako. mas marunong ka pa sakin. kaya nga ako si God, at ikaw ang sidekick ko! trust me!”
“Sige na nga Boss, kaw bahala. pero, sinong guguluhin natin? e, pag pinagsabay natin yan, baka umakyat na dito yan. di pa sila naka schedule umakyat dito, edi nakuha nanaman ng kabilang kampo yan.”
And with that, God thought for a while. “hmm. in fairness, may point ka. alam ko na. guluhin natin si Chantal. tanggalan kaya natin ng trabaho… or ibalik natin ung isa niya pa ulit na ex. ok yon!!!”
and as God was ready to move Chantal’s piece, St. Peter grabs Him. as i said earlier, malakas si Chants kay St. Peter. for some reason na i still don’t know why. but he goes on and says, ” si Bob nalang guluhin natin. di kasi nagsisimba si Chants, hindi masaya yon. si Bob nalang!”
and God pondered about it. St. Peter nudges Him more by saying, “sige ka, pag nawalan ng trabaho si Chants, hindi na sila makakapagStarbucks ni Bob. pano na sila mag-uusap ng magdamag? di na natin sila mapapakinggan.”

So God decided to play with mine.
Let me reiterate that i am not mad with God. this is just a theory that me and marsh concocted over a session with Pareng Bob.

the operative word here is PLAYED. for AMUSEMENT. i don’t want to receive any comments saying God loves me, churva, eklabu. I know that perfectly well. and i know, this is the reason why He chose the both of us to play this part. Because He knows, we would be able to handle it. and i won’t just handle it well, i will handle it as if i would be a nominee in the Emmy’s. or the Golden Globes. kahit Urian nalang.

but, i’m sorry for letting you down Lord. i’m sorry i haven’t cried. u may be the scriptwriter of my life, but i am the director. u would just have to wait a bit more before i actually breakdown. i’ve been through worse. and i know that this won’t kill me, because if it will, mawawalan ka ng telenobela to watch. i believe that our lives are more entertaining than what is going on in Lebanon. so sit back and relax ka lang jan. the story is just about to get better. 🙂


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

2 thoughts on “if God was down here right now, He would have bitch slapped me.”

  1. i think you and Kuya Jess have evolved to something more than your Antioch days. unlike other people i know who need their christian communities to make other people think they have this deep bond with Kuya Jess, it’s well quite obvious here that even though you have humanized Kuya, it is only because you have an intimate connection with Him already. i’m proud of you. 🙂

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