i can never be perfect

this is the best way to wake up and start a great day.
you wake up and face the mirror, knowing that you can never be perfect. that NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, YOU WILL NEVER BECOME A GOOD DAUGHTER. in return, you can never become a good friend, a good mom and a good wife. that no matter what you do, you can never repay the things your mother did for you, that any movement or decision you make causes embarassment or stress that will eventually lead to her death.
i can never be good enough. so why even bother try to be? parati ka naman pinangungunahan. the more you make up for the mistakes done in the past, the more it is reminded to you, the more you can never repay them. it is like it is ETCHED to my bones that i will never make it. and i should live my life serving my mom. to stay at her side at all times since she is sick. maybe i should just stop working, and stop school. stop growing as a person for now. stop love. stop fucking living. be an appendage to the broken lives of the women around me. be what they want to be. to hell with what i want. BUHAY KO LANG NAMAN DIBA?!?! it’s not like i even own it. I KNOW HIRAM KO LANG TO SA INYO. i very goddamn know that without them i wouldn’t be here.
WALA KANG KWENTANG ANAK.KAWAWA NAMAN ANG NANAY MO.HINDI NALANG DAPAT IKAW ANG NAGING ANAK NIYA. these are the words that wake me up each day from as long as i can remember and i even baffle myself how the hell i can still smile and be happy-go-lucky.
people wear masks all the time. now i’m not really sure who i am since they say you are at your true self when you are at home, and outside the house, you just pretend to be someone you are. if that is the case, does that mean i’m really plastic and just hate people?
i was really contemplating on just go ahead and kill myself, but i figured out that God probably doesn’t want me in heaven just yet. as they say, masamang damo, mahirap mamamatay,God would probably take me by the ripe old age of 425. because according to my lolas, WALA AKONG KWENTANG ANAK. and hell, do i have a lot to repay for.
i know people who know me would tell me not to listen to them. its HARD WHEN YOU WAKE UP TO THESE SERMONS. it is the best way to face the morning sunshine. with a dash of incompetence and a teaspoon of doubt, a pinch of regret and add a WHOLE LOTTA FUCKING UTANG NA LOOB. stir well to make sure there are no holes for hope. serve chilled.


Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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