checkmate.

mood: listless
music: Caught Up – Usher

had another fight at home. its hard to be myself and at the same time please my mom. actually, now that i think about it, it seems that me and my mom share the same sentiments when it comes to standing up for one’s self. when i was young my mom used to tell me to answer back. becuase when i was younger i would just keep quiet and cry. she said she did not want me to grow up like that. i can speak my mind and assert myself and not be like her. unfortunately when i grew up, i don’t think that she wanted that rule to be applicable anymore.

the root cause of our uncertainty and our indescisiveness lies on my two lolas who brought us up. they are the epitome of irony. kung baga checkmate ba parati. for example. earlier this year they were so persistent to me getting a job. because i was a “palamunin” at home (otherwise known as a bum) so i did. now that i have a job, and providing income to the house, i am already mayabang and matapang since i have money already. so what’s a girl got to do? there’s just no pleasing anybody at all.

i do get the advice “i should do what i want since it is my life” a lot. but if i try to do that, i end up being rebellious. try to follow them and i lose my identity.

well, not really my identity, its just that im 21 and i think everybody would agree with me that i now know basically the difference of right from wrong and io have to grow up someday right? i can’t just wait and grow up when they die already. somehow i think and i believe i got to start right now.

but by growing up the people in my house feels that they are losing control over me. and with that they are afraid. God knows i don’t want to hurt them and be a burden to them any further, so what do i do?

papa j resigned from work yesterday and as of tonight i am still stuck at work. wish i could just do that. quit when i want to. do what i want. and that’s one of the things i admire about him. he just believes that the only way to be happy in this world is to do what you want. everybody else would be telling me what to do and how to be happy but whoelse knows me better but myself right?

and i am still thinking on which company i should apply to. actually i have already appiled to both companies. the first one has a better pay right away, and right away im already a regular employee. but growth would be quite slower than the other company. the other one has a lower salary, but since it is still a new account, has a better potential growth. and has a better avail time which would be good since i would be studying soon.

so there. and papa j has no sweldo so we are nearly touching our saving already. and that is also why i was thinking of not resigning yet since i basically get a good pay here rather than get a pay of someone who is still in training.. or something like that.

okay. gotta log in now. i was suppposed to log in an hour ago but i was so tamad. argh.

i’m out.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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