music: I Don’t Know What I Can Save You From
was in London yesterday and today..it was pretty hectic really. not as hectic as i wanted it to be, but it could’ve been worse.went around, met up with Andy, bought a couple of shirts, bought some chocolates and killed my feet.
i feel that i belong in London. it has the same hustle bustle feeling to it. like Manila. only i really felt probinshana when i was there. not the ditzy kind of probinshana, but the kind that makes me feel that i have to go out and prove myself. back at home i don’t feel that urgency to be SOMEBODY. i was just happy with being ANYBODY.
i actually learned a lot this weekend (shout out to Andy). and confusing as it has been, it was wonderful. London is as complicated as me. it has so many layers. makes me think of a Venn diagram. i went through the tube alone (meaning i didn’t ride it with my cousin, but i had my guide with me) and its not as scary as i always thought it was. made me feel i still had a brain. all these months have been so automatic for me. i always went out with my cousin that i can just get anywhere and i just space out. but when i went out without them, i felt like i was taking drugs or something. everything looks bigger and more real than ever. i felt alive.
went to fcuk coz it was sale, and my poor credit card got “raped” again. paulit-ulit shang ginamit. hehe. bought a couple of tops.. i like it. its kinky. wahehe.got some chocolates too.
have you ever felt that feeling of strain when you are near your deadline? like the way you feel the burn of your muscles doing the last set of your push-ups?
things are going rocky with me and josh… and of course i can’t help but worry. im not on his side to really talk about things and i guess i can’t help but be paranoid. what i keep thinking about is that we are almost there, but somehow the nearer we get to the finish line, the harder it is to maintain communication. i always thought that the first few months here would be horrible. and Lord knows it wasn’t. he was a ROCK. but now its crumbling down..
i’m going to be honest here and say that i know i’m being selfish. all these months we have been through we took it like a dance because he didn’t stutter. and now that he’s the one stuttering and telling me he’s having a hard time, i’m still thinking so negatively, when in fact i know i should just take it in, just like he took it in all these months.
no one knows the exact date im going home. in fact, i told them a date but its not the real one. the real date is waaaaaay earlier than July 20. so its really really pretty near.
once again im just being “psycho” rather than my “steady” facade. watching all these soap operas makes me soooooo dramatic. i better stop watching them.
i got my own soap opera to live. and i don’t want to be as pathetic as the lead stars of those shows.