music: Minamahal Kita
today i faced one of my greatest fears. i gathered up all my inner strength and took a step forward. after one deep breath, i looked down and saw my weight.
i haven’t checked my weight in ages, ever since the time i saw it dipping precariously to 8st, i stopped checking it. and wonders of wonders, i remained 7 st. and 2 lbs. i look fuller than usual, and i guess i could blame that on the crimson tide, but i know im not healthy. sure i jog once in a while and i manage to jumprope for at least 15 minutes a day, but its not enough. its never enough.
once again for the sake of those who doesn’t know me that much, i am not anorexic. i have no intention of being SKINNY. in fact, i don’t want to be skinny. i want to be LEAN. there is a big difference.
back at home, gym was the only controlled thing in my life, call me obsessive if you must, but i enjoy it. i love feeling the strain in my muscles and the sweat rolling down my skin. i love that musky smell i get after an intense training. i love to feel the pain my body gets after working it up so hard.
yes im scared. im scared of growing old unhealthy. its in our genes to get wider as we get older, and i don’t want it. not me. i don’t want to look weak or brittle to anybody, especially in old age.
hay. i guess vanity in some aspects, is my favorite sin.
is there a difference between vanity and pagiging kikay? coz im not kikay at all. i have no idea what’s the difference between a matte and a shimmer. i mean, i do, but i have no idea which of the millions of cosmetic products will work on my skin. the most i put on my skin would be my moisturizer and my lip balm.and if i do feel girlish, i might add a mascara and a tinted lip gloss. i don’t even know how to properly apply lipstick for crying out loud.
i suddenly remebered my graduation ball in AC. my ball date (ahem) was more kikay than me. before entering the ball, after parking the car, my date actually took out his own kikay kit. and i sat there trying my best to primp myself. talk about being pathetic.
if there was one thing i would love to invent it would be a waterproof laptop. the kind that i can bring to the shower and type away as i take a bath. most of my greatest ideas are conceptualized in the bath. but alas, the moment i step out of the bath, its all gone. went down the drain with the soap suds.
after a long time i tried on my jeans again. it still fits but it really really looks weird. i guess i have been wearing shorts and skirts for quite some time now that when i looked myself into my jeans i felt weird. and the thought crept on me; i looked good in skirts. damn. i must go home soon. this is not right at all.
my obliques are still intact, although i can feel the flab in my body already. i need a good intense workout. my body has been screaming at me to get one. but with my schedule and all,i don’t think that its ever possible until i get home. argh. what am i to do?
papa j went out and drank last night. he got drunk and sang in the videoke. i do like that, that he actually went out and interacted with fellow human beings, but a teeny weeny tiny bit of me feels that there is something bothering him. and he’s not telling it to me. my guts are telling me that there is something wrong. hmmm. i don’t want to dwell on it since its still not out in the open. when the time comes, it’ll go out. and i pray to God.. FERVENTLY pray to Him that i can manage it.
on a much lighter note, i shall be going to London this weekend, so that means no entries for two days.. waaa.. i shall miss my computer. hopefully i get to meet up with a good friend after 5 WHOLE MONTHS WITH NO OUTSIDE INTERACTION, i get to talk to someone face to face. please Lord, let me have this opportunity.
still thinking wether i should bring my credit card to London.. hmm.. ill be leaving in 4 hours (and yeap i should be sleeping by now) so i have a lot of time to think about it.
so i have to end this. i don’t think i have made too much sense once again. but so what. there is no sense in this world anyway. the more you try to understand things, the more complicated it gets, so steady nalang!!!
Lahndahn here i come!! hehe.