i wish i can just stop typing what i feel just for a moment. but if i do so, i know i shall combust into flames..keeping everything i feel inside me. i don’t think i ever had a simple emotion for a whole day. its always a buffet of feelings.one moment, im happy. the next thing i know, i’m sad again. but one permanent variable to these feelings is that i just let them pass me by. you know, STEADY. sometimes i do want to grasp the moment and absorb it, but i won’t, coz if i do, it’ll drive me crazy.
let me expound..for example, my love for papa j.i love him with all my heart, and quoting Dido on White Flag, “there will be no white flags upon this ship..i’m in love, and always will be.” if i allow myself right now to absorb and feel through my capilliaries all that emotion, i would go straight back home, into his arms again. another thing is with my dad. if i was to feel the intesity of my need to see him, of me worrying about him wether he’s going to be fine or not, i know i will breakdown and cry. there would be no other option but to do so.
and so i don’t immerse myself into my emotions right now. i just can’t afford it yet. it’s sad, and i miss feeling my emotions to the fullest like i did so when i was back home, but it can’t be all sunshine in my life. there has to be rain somewhere, right?
i was checking my other friends blogs a while ago, and some of them write really well. one thing i noticed is that most of them like using big, superflous words. i never really liked using them, although i am truly capable of writing like that, i don’t. and sometimes i wonder why. the closest answer i got is that i just like to keep it simple. my thoughts are complicated enough. might as well use simpler ways to describe it.
can this nagging feeling of this uncanny “steadiness” that i have evolve into makes me a lesser person? in a way that i hinder myself from being me? from denying myself of what i truly feel?
argh. questions, questions, questions. my mind is always full of questions.
if there was one thing i would regret my whole life, it would be not being able to talk to my dad before the day Kuya Jess brings him home. i’m not being pessimistic about his situation right now inthe hospital, but i know i would never forgive myself if i didn’t. there are so many things left unsaid.
speaking of which, i just had a thought. are things left unsaid during the past can be said in the moment? this is one thing i am always guilty of. denying the other person the truth in my emotions. i always act too steady. too cool. that i lose them in a blink of an eye. i can’t regret that, no. but it sure does leave me with a lot of what if’s in the end.
sometimes my defense mechanism could be so strong that i even fool myself to thinking i really don’t have feelings for the other person. which of course, would leave me confused on my own game.
“the result of this deception, is very strange to tell,
for when i fool, the people i FEEL, i fool myself as well…”