HOPELESS.

mood: morose
music: There Are Worst Things I Could Do – Grease Soundtrack

i actually just woke up now to write an entry. its been a long day. and a tough one, to that. my eyes are swollen because i have been crying for around 5 hours… well, after the 5 hours i would stop and then something would trigger it again and i would cry again.

i was supposed to go home ng July 15.. and go back here Aug 15. i was already considering that point and i was just thinking at least i get to go home earlier and i would get to surprise the people back home.. and i was happy then.

then because of this house moving thing.. my ate decides (to my mom’s suggestion) that it would be the BEST if we moved to the house this August 8 because its supposed to be LUCKY because our house number is also 8.

this would mean that i would go home on July 8 and go back here by August 7.. which means that i have to leave the Philippines by AUGUST 6. that is my papa j’s birthday.

frankly im to tired to rant already. i just want to point out some things.

1. WE ARE NOT CHINESE – it wouldn’t really matter what date we would move. besides, the way they live their lives would definitely scare the Chi away.

2. WHAT THE HELL DO THEY NEED ME FOR? – actually i know the answer to that question. no one would take care of my niece. which comes to my point 3…

3. THEY HAVE FRIENDS!!! – they said it so themselves.. they would be living near their friends now.. so why ask for my help?

hay. its really hopeless… i got into an argument with my mom.. i tried to tell her my side.. and this is what i got.

Tell me what’s so important with that date? Sana you should understand na ang house na ibebless ay hindi lang bahay ng ate me kundi bahay na titirahan mo at posibleng bahay na titirahan natin ng kapatid mo pagdating ng panahon. Can you not postpone or rather advance your plans because there are certain things that should be done ahead of time?

i should have shut up after that. i know.. but they are not getting my point at all. and i told her that i really hope they respect my plans even just once in a blue moon..after all, i’ve done everything that they want. and this is what i got.

so you want to stick to your plans? That would be fine. Siguro, I will just go there alone before August 8 para ako na lang ang makasama nila sa blessing. Or if you’re really lonely there, then palit na lang tayo. Ako na lang ang pupunta dyan at mag-aalaga kay Baby. Or perhaps I can ask Bimbo to take your place there kasi gusto naman nya dyan. Para hindi ka na malungkot.

what can i fight against that? i tell them what i feel, i end up being an ungrateful bitch. the more i try to be myself and tell them what i want, the more i get scolded for it.. and the more i know that i should just shut my trap.

hehe. i just remembered what andy said to me kanina, that he’s beginning to dislike my relatives. hehe. i can’t actually think of anyone who likes my relatives.. not eben joshua.. not even ceejay who is one total pacute and super PR person.

am i really a bad daughter? i mean, am i really selfish?

i try not to.. but somehow, i end up being one MOST of the time. i have to keep in mind that FAMILY COMES FIRST BEFORE FRIENDS. but yes, i do admit… i don’t feel that way at all. i would come clean and be honest here.. i do appreciate my friends more.. and i know from the endless sermons i have that my family would always be there for me when something goes wrong.. and they are the only ones who would stand up for me.. and all that.

but tell me, how come i don’t feel it at all? does this make me a bad daughter? an ungrateful little bitch? then if it does, i plead guilty. im so sorry that i ended up this way. i don’t know why i’m like this but i know i love my family very much… its just that, i guess im really ungrateful.

what makes my situation even worse is that papa j’s modem is broken. we can’t chat. God knows how much better i would feel to hear his voice.. although he texted me that whatever is worrying me.. that it would be alright.. that he’s there for me.

i hate to think about this but, is he worthy? yes. he is. but sometimes i get tired with arguing with my mom.. who apparently knows what’s best for me. and i know she means that well.. but i get hurt. i really do.. and even if i tell her, and i did like 3 DAYS AGO.. well, it really didn’t change much, did it.

did i really fail them? am i really ungrateful? in order to achieve my hapiness.. does it mean that i have to be ungrateful and selfish to my parents and my family that has brought me up unconditionally?

i slept early kanina because i didn’t want to confront my cousin. i just ate my dinner and slept. tomorrow i shall fix my room again for the millionth time and it would remain immaculate. if she brings up the topic of the eighth.. i shall concede and go along with whatever they want.. i can never win anyway.

a part of me tries to focus on telling myself “its just a damn birthday bob.. nothing really important.. anyway im missing my mom’s and my brother’s and all the other people’s birthday too… so why does joshua have to be different? its not important. its just a day.”

but i can’t.

because i love him. and i do. i have never fought for someone so badly before.. and to think that we’re not doing anything wrong at all.. we just want to be together.. is that so hard? i’ve come to accept that i won’t be able to celebrate my birthday with the ones who matter to me (and yes those people are my friends) and that i shall be stuck here with people who doesn’t even like celebrating their birthdays..

but me? i love birthdays.. for me it comes once in a year that tells me, “hey sugar, you’re special. keep that in mind.” and in that one day i like to be happy.. otherwise, they would call it sad birthday, right?

maybe im just being melodramatic over such a petty thing. i don’t know. but all i know is right now, its not petty for me, and it matters so much. but what can i do?

its hopeless.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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