music: Que Sera Sera
i feel so much better now.
i have let myself wallow deeply in my temporary Depression, and now, i am back to my usual Doldrum State of Mind.
which means, everything is All Good.
i actually had a pretty tiring day today.. and i am really pretty tired right now especially i know i should have done this earlier but i chose to slack off and kept rambling about nothing in particular.
i really don’t want to pinpoint on every single detail of my day.. but generally its a feeling of… i can’t find the word e.. its not really helplessness.. its also not inis or galit.. its more of…
NAGSASAWA NA AKO.
yeah.. i think that’s what im feeling.. although i can’t really translate it in english… oh.. im fed up. that’s the word.. but i know there’s like this more intense word for it.. and that’s how i feel.
it’s the couple. yeap.. the family im staying in right now. i have been ranting about them for ever, but i guess this is the sanest way possible to keep my sanity.. and my respect. im not actually talking about them behind their backs coz this is my journal and i would cry if i want to. hehe.
earlier on i have said that i bought a new phone.. its so that they wouldn’t pester and tempt me on my P900.. better let it go nalang, right rather than it be a new issue…besides, im pretty happy with my new phone anyway, so no biggie. i realized that i didn’t really need an MP3 player coz.. wla lang.. i can easily amuse myself anyway. but still thats not the point.. its just part of it.
to continue, i also posted earlier that we were already looking for houses in Suffolk… because of this, we are transferring by August.. and they want me to go home by July (i’m only coming back for one month)so i’ll be back here by August. WHY? so they can have another hand in helping them pack and unpack and all that shit.
okay, okay, im really being selfish here but you don’t know the things im doing here. just today.. i was doing my laundry.. and my cousin tells me after i put my clothes in the dryer to also put their clothes in the washer.. and then put it narin in the dryer.. so that’s fine diba? then i began ironing some of my clothes (i don’t iron most of my clothes na since i dont go out to impress anyway AND i don’t want to add to my bill)and my cousin says please iron some clothes of theirs too.. i said okay but i wasnt expecting one whole heap of clothes…
its really getting in to me that im doing more than what’s required of me.. but then, another part of me says that, “hey, they’re family so it shouldn’t be a biggie…” but thre was this one time kasi…
we were walking down city center and i was pushing the pram of my niece.. the three of them were walking ahead of me..blahblahblah.. and then they started laughing.. the both of them.. and naturally i would ask why.. and then my cousin makes hirit, “kasi sabi ng kuya mo ang bagal naman mag tulak ng maid namin.. sosyal pa ang maid namin naka boots!”
i am now officially a maid.
i know.. it they were just teasing me, but now that i think about it, i literally am. cook dinner, clean the ever messy house (my room never stays clean for more than TWO DAYS.. wait.. make that a DAY) do the laundry, iron.. kulang nalang they make me do the dishes (which i terribly hate here because of the water) and do the groceries for them (which i know the sonufabitch would never allow me coz that would mean interaction with other MEN – and that would result to two-timing my boyfriend back home) not to mention i masage the fat pig every now and then and have to listen to those obscene moans of his everytime i do… plus still take care of my niece and do their duties even when the both of them are home.
i do have a life.. and taking care of babies (especially my niece) is not a pretty and easy job. i DO get tired. i DO want to take a nap every now and then.. but still,i don’t get to do that because of these people.
that is why sometimes i really think that im their escapegoat.. or maybe im just overreacting.
thats why i really felt bad that they want me to move my vacation back home.. Joshua’s birthday is on Aug 6.. i wanted sana to spend a whole month with him and more after his birthday.. but it looks like i have to go home early.. in a way that sounds good but that would mean that i have to come home during their midterms and everything.. i was hoping pa naman that i would take advantage of that small vacation they would have if ever after that term…but, once again, i have to ADJUST.
obviously by the looks of it.. i am really planning to finish college here already. i have a 70-30% chance of taking it. i still don’t know.. but.. it looks like that is what is happening anyway. really happy that papa j is so supportive of my decisions. actually, he wants to stay here too.
everyone wants to get away from the Philippines.. i guess i just feel a little bit patriotic because i did live there forever… but things do change.. and i think that’s what they want me to do…but i can’t let them run my life forever, diba?
it ws mother’s day today. i greeted my mom and the mom of joshua.. i actually wrote my mom a letter.. basically saying sorry and stuff for all the things that i have done in the past.. but mind you, i never regret doing any of it.. if not for those experiences, i wouldn’t be the same person i am right now, and i pretty still love myself after everything, anyway.
chatted with a friend kanina and he said there’s this fiesta thing going on in London this July.. i really want to go.. but the odds of me being able to go there alone is 30-70. if they do go with me, i highly doubt that i would really enjoy interacting with people. not because i’m shy or anything, its just that i know hihirit nanaman ung kumag na yon noh. super hassle talaga sha! GRRR!
we went to a party of their friends yesterday.. i was totally a WALLPAPER. i felt so out of place and cold and lonely.. i normally love parties and mingling with other people.. they didn’t introduce me to anyone, and if people do try to strike a conversation with me, the bastard gives them the evil eye. take me away from civilization, will you!?!?!?
and they made hirit pa na if i do study here, uwi kaagad… basta, all that discipline shit thing. IM 20. I may be young, but i definitely know the difference of what’s right and what’s wrong. im not to sure about the bastard though. im just 20 but i do know that when i get married and have a kid and wanting more kids its soo not right to stil be smoking Marijuana at least 3 times a day. i do admit i smoked, i’ve partied and all that addiction stuff, but its over, i knew it was just a phase in my life. so tell me, who’s the real kid now?
i thought when i would get here i would have the freedom a “kid” my age deserves. i think i even got it all wrong.. at least back home my mom would allow me to interact. and did i mention that he would comment on the way i dress too!? its not like i dress inappropriately or something!! tangina sha nga kung makatitig kala mo huhubaran na e. tangina yan o.
i just want them to back off, just a little bit.. let me have some life i deserve, diba? im not hard to please.
i haven’t talked to papa j for 2 days na.. his computer is broken.. he rebooted it and can’t find the driver for his modem, thats why he can’t access the internet.. waaahh.. i miss him so…😦
but for some weird reason, im fine. i guess my “bucket” is empty again.. i have wallowed too much for a couple of days.. my happy personality just won’t allow it anymore. o well, que sera, sera…
so there.. think this is QUITE long already. so what? its my journal anyway.. at least i can control this one. i can write asdklgfieicnv sifsihr nsposmn rps speirn p[cnsp s;aifn sodr a and nobody would really care.
i think im sleepy na.Ü
im out. n