so why not just kill me!?!?

mood: depressed
music: the reason – hoobastank

i have really blues right now.. if onlyi can get the color chart for blue i would have done it. but im too tamad to get it… HAY.

actually.. im feeling a bit better now writing here.. but its still not the same.. alam mo yon?

i should be happy right now.. i got accepted at the college that i want with the course that i want.. but somehow it doesn’t feel right at all… i would be spending £4200 for my education. its not that bad and i know the importance of education and everything.. but suddenly there’s this big burden that i am carrying.

im very well pleased that i got accepted.. i really am..and actually looking forward to studying.. but i still can’t pinpoint whats bothering me the best. DAMN IT. im so frustrated.

to add to that my cousin just made hirit earlier na huwag na daw akong umuwi sa August. SHE MUST BE OUT OF HER MIND!!! the thought of going home soon is the only thing that keeps me sane these days.

i mean i took it all.. without a fight. they told me to go here.. i agreed. they told me to open up my views in getting a school here.. i applied.. and i havent said a single word about it.

i understand naman that they are only looking over my future..but why does it have to be so GODAMN HARD? i want to cry na. i really do.. its not easy and its totally tearing me apart. she said pa na she would buy me the P900 (or not change na my P900) if i agreed that i wouldn’t go home this August. ANO SHA HILO? id rather have no phone at all than not go home.. she said it would be expensive if i went home this August.. tapos shes going to buy the p900 for me? she’s gotta be kidding.

tito d said something about me getting a life here.. moving on.. getting friends and interact. do i look like someone who is getting a lot of interaction? HELL NO. besides from Andy (this guy i met at friendster who I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA how he really looks like if not for his picture).. i’ve really got no one.. and sometimes its really jahe coz i dont even know him!! i mean i do.. but.. its not the same.. how the hell could i get a life here when this Gerardo guy doesnt allow me to go out.. not even chat with BOYS coz thats cheating daw with my boyfriend. tangina.. what era was he born to anyway. can i possibly get a life here?

i have thought about it and i think it boils down to these choices. if i stay here.. and think of the mature-adult-business-money value of the world… it would be grand to stay here. the possibilities that would open up to me would be endless whereas if i graduated in the philippines. BUT. if i would talk about the value of my life.. of my happiness.. then that would be back home.

oh, i know someday im going to have friends here.. but its impossible to go out with them anyway with my bro in law treating me like my cousin. of course my cousin can take it not to see anyone else and not go out becuase she’s blindly in love and has a child to take care of. me? i have nothing. nothing at all.

everyone who would know the real me and how i came to be like this are all back in the philippines.. gets? becuase my friends back there have seen it all.. felt it all.. if i do get friends here.. sure.. they would understand me.. but they would just do because i would just tell them about it.. if i dont.. they wouldnt really understand me.

i have been brought up being ordered around what to do with my life that now given the decision i have no idea on what to do… especially becuase i know what they want me to do.

if being filthy rich and miserable is what they want me to be for the rest of my life.. i hope they tell me soon.

so why not just kill me then.. its the same thing anyway.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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