music: You Don’t Miss the Water – Craig David
i really don’t know why i feel sad today.. for some unknown reason i just do… sigh
ewan ko ba.. my day was pretty much okay, really. went out.. went to the gym.. costs me more but i think i need it so i would be more disciplined in what i do…went to the fair…
oh.. okay.. it all started at the fair.
well, to tell you honestly i was enjoying myself at the fair.. although i didn’t spend that much coz i didn’t have money with me so basically i had no choice if i wanted to play something or ride something.. which was really not that bad talaga coz i was happy already looking at the side..
but was i really? i don’t know.. sometimes i sound like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.. but i know i was enjoying.. but deep back in my brain i know i was missing something.
everywhere around me there were people laughing and having fun.and hey.. i was laughing and having fun too.. but i felt
i did.. my eyes are instantly drawn to holding hands…and as i watched i felt myself clutching my hands too… its been a long time since it has intertwined with another soul. the warmth and the assurance of a simple hand gesture that most of us take forgranted just because it was JUST “holding hands” anyway.
i remember a couple of weeks before i left for the UK i already noticed when i would hold joshua’s hand. it seemed so simple, so natural. but it was like a perfect key to an empty lock.
sometimes i hate being vulnerable like this..oh i dont know anymore… i miss human interaction.. the people i have around me can be mistaken for a cat and a dog for their constant fighting. yet they claim to love each other til death do us part. owel. to each his own.
still i have to remember and focus why i am here…damn why does it have to be so hard? sometimes really it isnt..im in focus and everything in control.. parang sea… when you look at it outside, its serene.. inside different currents are rushing about.
even though this is the case.. i still believe that i am under control.i dont believe that there would be a time in a person’s life that he would feel at utmost peace.. unless of course until the day we die.
but life is a constant struggle.. and its up to us if we let it eat us alive or keep it in a leash.
as of now,its having a small nibble at my existence.
i really don’t mind.. i think its healthy for me to feel that i am not in total control of myself.. that a higher being still has a harness around me.. even though He lets me walk my own path.
i remembered i was asar nanaman with kuya kanina. BAH. i dont care nalang. i just hope he stops meddling in my life coz i dont with them.if i did, i would have reported his abuse on illegal drugs,exessive drinking and abuse of domestic partner… and if only you could report exessive jealousy and extreme chavunism i would gladly do so.
you see i don’t mind people asking me about my life.. i know that i’m an open book…. TO MOST.. but to TELL ME what TO DO with my life ESPECIALLY if that person is not my mom or relative or friend.. thats WAAAAY too much for me. and im sorry.. he is definitely not my friend.
this makes me miss josh more..if he was here he would be so nonchalant about it.. he would tell me not to care, coz he wont.. but were different in that way, see..
HAYNAKO. ewan ko. i shall busy myself nalang with the other things in my life. 3 months would pass by more swiftly if i do.