music: Sun and Moon – Ms Saigon
something has been bothering me.. actually it shouldn’t and i believe that it doesn’t.. but still i have to write it down.
a couple of days back i had the opportunity to keep in touch with one of my “Mr. Big”s of my life.. actually he is the only mr. big of my life… sometimes on and sometimes off….and he was my first real kiss.. anyway.. not really important right now. what is important is that we got to talk and he said sorry about the different things that he has done to me… and he said sorry.. and i accepted it.. and i even said no hard feelings.. and during the start i knew that i had no hard feelings…
we started chatting.. not often but most of the time we would… every once in a while i can see his name popping up of the side of my monitor and it would make me think of him and what he is currently doing. i was about to make him a testi all these days but i just felt awkard and giddy to do it.. but when i finally came around to do it..
he is taken once again.
i know that this is my pride talking. i had no problem dealing with bryan and appy coz they were both single.. but with him.. i dont know.. i guess it really just pained me that i had to erase his name from my YM.. i guess i just dont want to know that he exists.
its weird.. and i would be totally honest here.. selfish as it would sound but i want him to see that i am happy and i don’t want him to be happy.. i want to be able to say.. you poor thing… but with him i cant.. and i cant blame him coz i know how fast he changes girls.. i just really hope that this time.. its for real.. mejo naaawa narin ako sa kanya.
but does he really need my pity? i think i got the wrong word there. honestly, i don’t think so.. i know that most of the time he rarely knows that i exist.. and in a way it does hurt me… maybe becuase we never got it going on.. although his status declares him open marraige, i know that the commitment still isn’t there.. but that is soo him.. he says that we would never work it because i was too young for him.. right.. so what diba? parati nalang me. didn’t he ever think that i would have been able to understand him? could it be that i just shelved my love for him for safekeeping?
ah.. who am i to say which is real? i mean, i don’t even know him that well anymore. all i had was a moment. well to me it was.. i just don’t know if it was to him. parati nalang ako meantime girl sa kanya. he never took me seriously because i was always around… or did he? or maybe because i never fought for it. i mean, when he left, i just let him be. i never really told him that i love him. ok. sorry josh. i loved him pala.
geez bob… you gotta let go.. live. YOU ARE WELL LOVED. your joshua loves you so much.. even though sometime he fails to show it.. but thats him e.. you can’t change that in him. but i do know that just like the air.. he loves me.
okay. i am now letting him go. it was fun while it lasted.. a big roller coaster ride. but we will always have sun and moon.. we will always have tagaytay.