a roller coaster ride that ended up in a tragedy

mood: gloomy
music: Saan na nga ba ang Barkada – Apo Hiking Society

it has been one long roller coaster ride today.

yeap.

its been up and down, up and down until i crashed finally into my newest entry.

hopefully before i go to sleep, i wont be as miserable as i am now.

my day started pretty well, had time to eat and play with my niece, who as each day goes by, triples her energy.

i, on the other hand, can’t catch up.

i think children are human concentrates. so little, yet has so much life in them.

then i got online, i was on the verge of getting my my journal arranged but then papa josh and my brother went online, and so obviously i chatted with them.

WHOOPEEE!!! ÜÜÜ

oh, the usual stuff, miss miss, and howaryous and whatchadoins with all the mushy stuff, funny stuff and hilarious stuff that i was needed to be updated with.

then came the horrors of all horrors.

in the middle of the very nice light conversation that i was having with my brother and my papa j, a persistent little bug kept on pestering me to download this file from the messenger. 1st of all i had no freaking idea who he (according to his user info) was and second, malay ko ba kung virus papadala niya diba? so i kept asking him who the hell he was.and he was just like, download the program and you would know. so i was like, sorry, i dont know you at all. and he called me koleo girl.

so this guy definitely knows about me. well, he knows enough that i use to hang in koleo. so i asked him (friendly pa ha!) who he was and he told me that i was his crush, super tagal na. i became more curious but then i started ignoring him.

as if he wasnt bad enough, (his ym was blacksheep_brat)and he definitely served as an appetizer.. came the main course, and boy did he fill me up.

this guy (ym: ice_joshua) claimed that he was josh.. which was slowly ticking me off because obviously, since i was talking to the real one. at first i didn’t mind him, but then he started saying things to me that ultimately got me from steady to fuming blazing mad in less than a minute. (i just really have to write it down in able for me to simmer down – im still infuriated by this act) in between this i was still chatting with my brother and my man.
here are some of the many things that he said:

ice_joshua (3:44:08 PM):miss ko na pera mo
ice_joshua (3:44:08 PM): miss ko na yung panlilibre mo saken
ice_joshua (3:44:19 PM): yung paggastos mo para sa luho ko

*and so i ask who the hell he was

ice_joshua (3:44:31 PM): joshua crisostomo

*POLITELY i told him that i was talking to the real josh so i POLITELY told him to go away.. but obviously, my eyebrows started to arch.
i tell my man about it.

ice_joshua (3:47:03 PM): niloloko lang kita
ice_joshua (3:47:20 PM): inuuto pala
ice_joshua (3:47:38 PM): di mo ba napapansin? pera lang habol ko sayo
ice_joshua (3:47:45 PM): pati katawan
ice_joshua (3:47:58 PM): katawan lang hindi mukha

*by this time my level of patience was totally drained like a man who just got out of the desert.i told him to if he has nothing better to do,go fuck himself. joshua tells me to ignore him and i close his window. but this ass wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

ice_joshua (3:48:47 PM): fuck me
ice_joshua (3:48:47 PM): sige
ice_joshua (3:48:53 PM): na-fuck naman kita e
ice_joshua (3:51:35 PM): wala akong magawa
ice_joshua (3:51:40 PM): kaya peperahan na lang kita
ice_joshua (3:51:51 PM): uto uto ka naman e
ice_joshua (3:52:18 PM): dyan ka na lang, wag ka na uwi dito basta magpadala ka ng magpadala saken ng pera
ice_joshua (3:53:17 PM): hindi naman kita nami-miss e
ice_joshua (3:53:37 PM): daming babae dito sa gwapo kong to, ikaw nga ang nanligaw saken
ice_joshua (3:55:05 PM): pera mo lang talaga habol ko
ice_joshua (3:55:10 PM): at katawan
ice_joshua (3:55:25 PM): hindi nila alam, puro ka push-up bra

*you know i was just really letting go of these comments. i really was! i just kept on hitting the close buttons and it keeps popping and i close it and it pops again, but when i saw the push-up bra stint, i REALLY had to say something. i told him that obviously, he didn’t know me that well because i never wore push-up bras. so he went back to the old thing.

ice_joshua (3:58:46 PM): miss ko na pera mo
ice_joshua (3:59:00 PM): pero since nagpapadala ka naman ayos lang
ice_joshua (3:59:09 PM): dyan ka na lang, ipon ka, padala ka ng pera

*by this time, i was raging crying my brains out mad. i wasn’t sad at all! i called joshua because i cant get to hit the keys right anymore because i was furious!! i cant even find a word to match what i really felt and began telling him that this man is really going to DIE when i see him.

ice_joshua (4:00:45 PM): uto uto ka talaga
ice_joshua (4:00:54 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang ktia
ice_joshua (4:00:59 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:04 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:08 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:13 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:15 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:15 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:21 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita
ice_joshua (4:01:21 PM): tagal na di mo pa rin alam na pineperahan lang kita

okay i know i said i would only put on SOME of the things that he told me but my hunger for revenge wasnt able to hold it all back in. this ass even had the balls to tell my brother to tell me to lay off josh. THE NERVE!! really!!! i was screaming so badly on the phone to josh and for the first time he wasnt able to pacify me at all. i was ready to call the airlines and book the earliest flight tomorrow back home, but i felt so helpless and mad and wanting to kill somebody.

this is the first time i have ever gotten this mad. this was my ultimate limit.

i thought that breaking up with josh was my limit, for that was the first time i got mad my whole life. im serious. all my life i try and understand the other side of the coin. we librans are really like that.

but this..

this was too much for me.

i don’t even know how i even feel about it. all i know was for the first time in my life, i was ready to kill. and oh boy if i just really had the power to do so, put it in writing that i would kill this person with my bare hands. joshua was getting really scared. he was really trying to calm me down but i won’t talaga. at all. i kept on shouting nothing on the damn phone and for a brief moment there i felt bad for josh. i mean, come on, he also didn’t know what was happening but i know that he was getting really mad too.

this is another thing why i really love him.

there is always balance in our relationship. someone would always be there to support the other in times of crisis, or grief. there was always a give and take commitment from the both of us.

and funny thing is, i only realized that now as i write here. i always thought that i have given more, that i was the stronger one in this relationship, but this has ultimately proven to me that there is indeed a balance in both of us.

when i thought that this was all over.. my desert came in.

it was from this person who covered “itself” up with the screen name “seductive_kitten_80”.

she was just basically the topping talaga.. honestly i cant even remember what she said.. i think she called me a slut or a bitch or something to that effect but i was busying crying my brains out so i deleted it.

joshua, my dear knight in shining armor was obviously there to pacify me all the way through… slowly but surely i did. he had a way with me that i dont think anybody would ever do.. well, except noel of course, who is my best friend.

would you believe i’m not yet even half way done with my day.

and so with a little bit of cooing and soothing and reassuring words from my partner, i began to feel better na. and just like that in time, a friend from London called me up. Valiente (or Martin, which he told his name was to my cousin) is a good good friend of joshua and is currently staying in South London. we’ll go out daw one day. Thank God that he said that. and so we chatted, the three of us and i was okay again.

Yipee Ü

okay but i have to say that in this new elevation of mood today, the incident latter to this was still in mind. PUNYETA TALAGA SILA. but i didn’t want to ruin na my semi-okay mood so i let it go. for this time only.

so, the day passed, me and joshua exchanged vows of commitment again to each other and i was of course feeling great. Ü

“stronger than steel, baby”, he would always tell me.

i have come to realize that what doesn’t kill us only makes the two of us stronger. this long distance thing is definitely the biggest challenge we have to face yet. of course, as a normal couple we have had our share of ups and down and somehow, we have always managed to pull through.

isn’t it wonderful what this love thing can do to us? :X

so yadayadayada my night went. i even got to chat with pangshk and ikot, two other close friends i have back home.

i had a leetle bump on the way through this path when pangshk asked me about my testi in friendster. it so happened that his girlfriend erased it pala.

i have no idea why she had to do that!

me and pangshk? why, we are strictly platonic!

but i can’t blame her also, people have different levels of jealousy. some people have a higher tolerance than the other.

but still, she really didn’t have to do that.

and it was great talking to pangshk.. it was definitely a great way to brighten up my revolting day.

and here comes the creme de le creme..
the ending finale.. (isn’t that a bit redundant?)
the final reason why i know i would put gloomy on my mood of the day…

i was supposed to make an early journal entry and for the first time go to sleep early. but then i just cant get the earlier earlier instance out of my head and so i decided to text chants about it.

my fault actually; since i was really upset i began ranting about these people who hurt me earlier. i guess i didn’t realize old skeletons in the closet were climbing out.

me and and cookie family goes way back in 1st year college. they were my friends eversince.. but when i came back with josh, things got really different. they obviously hated the guy. they wouldn’t even call him by his first name.on the last month before departing here i had basically no time for them becaue basically, I HAD NO MONEY. i guess its no excuse.. but somewhere down the road we drifted.. me and cookie house.

of them all, im closest to chants. and for some reason, well maybe the primary reason is that im closest to her,i texted her.

i wouldn’t want to go to any more details because it would just make me cry again. bottom line is we didn’t understand each other. they don’t understand why i went back to “that guy” joshua, and i don’t understand why they can’t understand me.

honestly, it wasn’t my intention to argue with her. somewhere in between we struck the nerves of each other and started telling each other “you’s” instead of “i’s”.. and i did say sorry, but i guess words were said and it would never be forgotten.

worse thing is she told kaye that inaaway ko sha..which was what i was definitely trying to avoid.

she said it was useless arguing against me.

maybe i’m useless.

this is crap.

breaking up with a boyfriend isnt as bad as fighting with a friend. its true that you hurt the ones closest to you,and i guess i pretty hurt chantz alot.. by the you’s that i was telling, i was actually referring to the lot.. but it didn’t come out as i wanted it to be. when you break up with a boyfriend, you have your friends to lean on.

but what if you fight with those you lean on?

i don’t necessarily think that its a fight.. but cant take away the probability that this would even cause a greater rift between me and my barkada.

right now, im so torn.

i really am and i don’t know what to do.

i love joshua very much, but i do love my friends too. their opinon are very important to me. and with this, i really don’t know what to do. it makes my missing them even harder.

you know what im really scared of? that when i come back, i have nothing to come back to.. before i left for here.. i really didn’t worry about my friends.. i worried more about josh because of course, temptation is lurking behind the corner, when the cat is away, the dick will play.. and i just thought, that’s how friends go, you pick up from where you ended.. and im pretty confident with my other friends… like sina noel and nina and philip and sina jet and koleo people.

but for cookie.. i really don’t know.. when i was there last january, i was already missing on a lot of things..pano pa now that im so far away?

with joshua its really not a biggie.. he has been here for me for a very long time.. God knows it was rough the first few weeks, but we’re getting the hang of it. communication is only what we need.

so that was my day.. i kinda feel better now.. but still not that good..

i really wish i could sort it out between me and sina chantz…i hate this feeling.

but for now, i have to sleep. ate day off tomorrow so we will defintely have a loooong day.

as if today wasnt.

and like all other roller coasters, this ride has come to an end. i have exited and tomorrow, as usual, i would like to ride again..

hope it wouldn’t be as bumpy as this one.

Author: angparaluman

a poster girl with no poster staying on the safe side of the road less traveled.

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